(Washington, DC — January 15, 2009) – My fellow Armenians,
For eight years, it has been my honor to serve as your President. I realize that I was only elected to serve four of them, but be honest, in retrospect, did you REALLY want Al Gore with his “lockbox” nonsense to live in the White House? I believe that history will show that Justice Scalia’s deviousness and deception will be overshadowed by his divinity regarding his decision in the divisive 2000 election.
Tonight I am filled with gratitude – to Vice President Cheney, for not taking me on his hunting trip with Harry Whittington; to Laura, whose heavy use of Prozac has made our Eli Lilly stock jump 1,000% in value in spite of my Reaganesque policies that have all but destroyed the American economy; to our wonderful daughters, Barbara and Jenna, who are following their father’s example with regard to substance abuse; to my parents, especially my father, who has invited me to accompany him the next time he leaps from an airplane, though I’m concerned about the talk of my using a “faulty” parachute. And above all, I thank the American people for not overthrowing their government as I have suspended civil liberties, shredded the Constitution, and forced them to live in a constant state of fear for most of the past eight years.
This evening, my thoughts return to the first night I addressed you from this house – September 11, 2001. Indeed, invoking that date on a daily basis helped propagate the propaganda that has contributed to the constant state of fear that I mentioned earlier. This is why I’m especially confused about why my good friend Rudy Giuliani didn’t win the 2008 election. I advised him to say nothing but “September 11” on the campaign trail. How could this not work to his advantage? And why won’t he return my calls?
As the years passed, most Americans were able to return to life much as it had been before 9/11. But I never did. Every morning, I received a briefing on the threats to our nation. I was offered such briefings for the eight months leading up to September 11th, but I chose to take four of those months as vacation time and sick leave – remember, I did have a near-death experience thanks to a pretzel. And I can’t remember what I was doing that made me miss the “Bin Laden Determined to Strike in US” briefing from August 6, 2001, but I’m sure it was important.
I vowed to do everything in my power to keep us safe. When I was running for President, in Chicago, somebody said, would you ever have deficit spending? I said, only if we were at war, or only if we had a recession, or only if we had a national emergency. Never did I dream we’d get the trifecta.
Over the past seven years, a new Department of Homeland Security has been created. Their confusing and meaningless color-coded alert system has helped prolong and exacerbate the fear felt by everyday citizens. With the Coalition of the Willing – Republicans, the British, and some remote folks in the Aleutians – we have taken the fight to the terrorists and those who support them. We went into Afghanistan, cornered Bin Laden, then turned a blind eye as we conducted Daddy’s War in Iraq.
Around the world, America is promoting human liberty, human rights, and human dignity. We’re just not promoting these ideals here at home, where unemployment is about to hit 10%. Where the numbers of the homeless and the uninsured have risen dramatically since 2001. Where too many OB/GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country. To those who would question my policies, I say this: Either you’re with us, or you’re against us.
While I believe that our nation is safer than it was seven years ago, the gravest threat to our people remains a continued stranglehold by the Democratic party on our Executive and Legislative branches of government. Another terrorist attack could be a problem, too. Our enemies are patient, and determined to strike again. Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
I’ve often spoken to you about good and evil, and this has made some uncomfortable. But good and evil are present in this world, and between the two of them there can be no compromise. Murdering the innocent to advance an ideology is wrong every time, everywhere. Conversely, stripping folks of civil liberties and suspending the laws of our land, then hiding behind Cheney, is right every time. This nation must continue to speak out for justice and truth – as long as it doesn’t apply to Democrats or other evildoers. I believe that Abraham Lincoln summed it up when he once said, “If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North.”
I have confidence in the promise of America because I know the character of our people. Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream. This is a nation that inspires immigrants to risk everything for the dream of freedom – and allows many of them to come here illegally, violate our laws, and face no penalties. This is a nation where citizens show calm in times of danger. Just ask the New Orleanians about their Hurricane Katrina adventures. Or the Wall Street folks who have enjoyed my tax cuts for the wealthy. Or our citizens who trade their morality, decency and common sense for appearances with Maury Povich or Jerry Springer. In citizens like these, we see the best of our country.
And so, my fellow Americans, for the final time: Where’s Mandela? Well, Mandela’s dead, because Saddam Hussein killed all the Mandelas. May God bless this house and our next President, to whom I say good luck – and see ya, wouldn’t want to be ya. Thank you.
2009 – End of an Error: FLATLINE Locates Original Version of President’s Farewell Address. FLATLINE 2009 Jan; 11(1):1-3.