Lethal Cold Won’t Prevent Clean Windows

(Washington, DC) – It may be Freezemageddon nationally, but that doesn’t mean everyone gets a holiday. And the Federal government is making sure that its buildings have clean windows.

Window washers at an unnamed Federal agency have been told to report for duty “as normal,” said a spokesman for the Federal agency, speaking on condition of anonymity. In spite of expected sub-zero wind chills in the DC area, the employees will be hovering high above sidewalks with squeegees and sponges.


The main concern does not appear to be the risk of exposure, hypothermia, and frostbite. Rather, the main concern is the freezing of cleaning fluid and sponges.

“We’re taking every precaution to make sure that they can do their job, no matter what the temperature,” said the anonymous spokesman. “We’re adding turpentine to the cleaning fluid, so it shouldn’t freeze even if we hit actual temperatures below zero. As long as they don’t try to stick their tongues to the glass, everything should be fine. Of course, if one of the workers should light a cigarette, well, that probably wouldn’t be good.”