Governor Who Never Really Left Prepares for Comeback

Chris Christie (R-NJ)

Chris Christie

(Trenton, NJ) – Two weeks into the Bridgegate scandal, and barely two months after winning a decisive re-election, aides for Governor Chris Christie (R-NJ), a possible contender for president in 2016, are planning his political comeback. But did he really ever go anywhere?

Christie spent a second consecutive week apologizing to anyone and everyone he could get his hands on, and even had a televised “apology moment” during the 2014 State of the State address. This address, never even marked on the nation’s calendar, was broadcast from Maine to Montana, from Alabama to Alaska. Stations like CNN, which interrupted its hit show “Patronizing Verbal Diarrhea with Wolf Blitzer,” cut in just so its viewers could watch the plump governor pontificate on the wrongdoing by his minions.

“Bridgegate” refers to the September 2013 lane closures on the George Washington Bridge, ordered by his aides Bridget Anne Kelly, Bill Stepien, and David Wildstein, in retribution against Mark “The Little Serbian” Sokolich (D), the mayor of Fort Lee, NJ, who did not support Christie in the November 2013 election.

“Time for some traffic problems in Fort Lee,” Kelly wrote to Wildstein on August 13. “Got it,” wrote back Wildstein, who ordered the closures three weeks after the message was sent.

Kelly, Stepien, and Wildstein no longer work for Christie.

“We feel that he has apologized enough,” said a non-fired Christie aide, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Now it’s time for him to get on with the business of running New Jersey into the ground.”

Subpoena-issuing Democratic politicians disagreed. “Saying he’s having a ‘comeback’ means that he was disgraced, left office, and is now attempting to return to politics,” said a spokesman for the Democratic National Committee, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But he hasn’t gone anywhere, and he hasn’t accepted personal responsibility for the disaster he caused. He can only come back once he’s lynched by his peers.”

To celebrate his comeback, Christie visited Manahawkin, a coastal town devastated by Hurricane Sandy in 2012. Touting the state’s work to provide rebuilding and relief efforts for the Jersey Shore, Christie made no mention of the new probe, brought on by Bridgegate, into whether Christie violated the law by using disaster relief funds to make commercials, starring his family, to tell the country that the Jersey Shore was back in business. Detractors claimed that the commercials were simply “free advertising” for his re-election campaign.

Additionally, new bullying allegations against Christie have come to light, seemingly on a daily basis. The victims include:

  • Mayor Steven Fulop (D) of Jersey City, who last week said Christie’s commissioners cancelled previously scheduled meetings within an hour of announcing he would not endorse Christie in the 2012 election;
  • former Navy Seal William Brown, who was called an “idiot” during a 2012 town hall meeting;
  • a reporter called “stupid” and an “idiot” for asking an off-topic question during a press conference in 2012;
  • Democratic Assemblyman Reed “Numb Nuts” Gusciora who, in 2012, compared Christie to segregationist Southern governors; and
  • an employee of the Route 1 Dunkin’ Donuts in Rahway who, at 3:00am one morning in 2012, received a profanity-laced dressing-down by Christie when he informed the governor that they were out of cinnamon doughnuts.