Winter Storm Pax Packs a Wallop in the South and East

Department of Commerce

Department of Commerce

(Silver Spring, MD) – Winter Storm Pax continued to make its presence known on Wednesday, coating some states with ice and threatening to dump more than a foot of snow on others, proving for once that the weatherman got it right.

The National Weather Service (NWS), which is organizationally under the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), which is organizationally under the Department of Commerce (DOC), correctly predicted the track and the severity of the storm, a first for the 2013-2014 winter season. “We haven’t seen an accurate weather forecast [from the NWS] since 2009,” said a local weather-watcher, speaking on condition of anonymity. “So this is truly a shock.”

In Alabama, a ½” of ice snapped trees, blocking roads and knocking out power. In Georgia, cities like Atlanta were expecting even heavier ice totals, and President Obama (D-IL/Kenya) declared a state of emergency for the entire state. “Things in Georgia are going to be less than peachy for the next few days,” said a White House spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

In Maryland, snow totals were expected to be between 4″ and 12″, leading Governor Martin O’Malley (D-MD) to declare a state of emergency and raise taxes on all residents, even those seeing nothing but rain from the storm. And New Jersey could see 6″ to 14″ of snow, and while Governor Chris Christie (R-NJ) declared a state of emergency, he vowed that all lanes on all bridges would remain open.

Pennsylvania, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, Virginia and West Virginia were also in the bull’s-eye of the storm, meaning that the potential for millions being in the dark was a real possibility.

“Enough with the snow!” exclaimed a North Carolina resident, speaking on condition of anonymity. “A pox on Pax!”

When taking a breather from shoveling or being snowed in overnight in their cars, Americans are asking how the NWS came to name winter storms. Hurricanes have been named for decades, but this is the first winter with named storms. What changed?

“Actually, it’s because of the weather gang from The Washington Post,” said a NWS spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “They just got too carried away with the cutesy names and we had to act. First you had ‘Snowmageddon’ in February 2010. Then you had the ‘Snowquester’ in March 2013 – which turned out to be a rain event, so it was really the ‘Rainquester’ instead. And then you had DC get a little bit of snow right after January 1 this year, and they called it the ‘Snowpy New Year’ storm. That was it. We took over. End of story.”

While some blamed global warming for the intense storm, religious leaders blamed Pax squarely on America’s sinners. Christian broadcaster and former presidential candidate Pat Robertson (R-VA) issued a statement through a spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He believes this latest wrath of God is due to the continued sinning by those in America who fail to live up to the Lord’s values, as specified in the Holy Bible and the GOP’s official party platform.” Perhaps not so ironically, an ice-and-snow-covered tree fell on Robertson’s house just minutes after his spokesman released his comments. The house was completely destroyed.