New York Mayor to Residents: Stay Home, but Send Your Kids to School

Department of Education

Department of Education

(New York, NY) – Barely two months into his first mayoral term, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio (D-NY) has weathered a number of questionable decisions. The latest issue has him weathering a storm about – well, the weather.

With the crippling Winter Storm Pax bearing down on the city, de Blasio urged New Yorkers to stay off the streets. And then he proceeded to keep the city’s schools open for its 1.1 million students.

“The mayor felt that keeping the schools open was the best idea,” said a de Blasio spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He didn’t want to rob the kids of their education. After all, knowledge is power!”

This isn’t the first example of mayoral double-talk. Earlier this month, de Blasio declared caffeine to be “more addictive than heroin” and urged city residents to stop drinking caffeinated beverages. But the next day he banned all decaffeinated drinks from restaurants and grocery stores.

“What were we supposed to drink, water?” asked a resident, speaking on condition of anonymity. “The water from the East River looks like the water in Sochi [Russia, host of the 2014 Winter Olympics] and that’s just disgusting.”

Bill de Blasio (D-NY)

Bill de Blasio
(D-NY)

To make matters worse, de Blasio’s City Schools Chancellor Carmen Farina defended the decision to keep the schools open, noting at her 11:30am press conference that the snow had stopped and it was “an absolutely a beautiful day out there right now.”

New Yorkers by and large didn’t agree with Farina’s assessment. Judging from the record number of emergency room visits on Thursday for various bruises, broken bones, and hematomas sustained from falling on slippery streets and sidewalks, they had good cause to question her judgment.

“It’s been a busy day,” said a spokesman for New York’s Hospital for Special Surgery, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Besides falls, we’ve seen people with severe head trauma due to falling ice. A few people were impaled with icicles. Not very pretty.”

From a Federal government point of view, the Department of Education (ED) weighed in, citing states’ rights for a change.

“We try to mandate standardized tests,” said a Department of Education spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And we try to mandate school lunches, brands of chalk and erasers, and other office supplies. But we’re not about to tell cities or states when they can or can’t hold classes. If someone is stupid enough to send children out into a dangerous storm, that’s for the citizens to handle.”

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