Valentine’s Day Massacre: How a Romantic Evening Turned into an Eight-Agency Investigation

Department of Transportation (DOT)

Department of Transportation

(Potomac, MD) – Eighty-five years after Chicago’s St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, authorities are dealing with another February 14th tragedy. This time, however, gangsters are not involved, yet eight Federal agencies are now involved in ongoing investigations.

A couple from Gaithersburg, MD, agreeing to be interviewed for this story on the condition of speaking with anonymity, went out on Valentine’s Day for a romantic dinner. After two days of digging out from Winter Storm Pax, it seemed like they would finally be getting a chance to celebrate for a change.

How wrong they were.

Getting to the Potomac restaurant, whose management requested that it not be named, was an exercise in sheer terror, as Montgomery County’s snow plowing left something to be desired. In addition to dealing with patches of black ice, many roads went from four lanes (two in each direction) to two lanes. Others went from four lanes to three lanes. And a few went from four lanes to six lanes. The Department of Transportation (DOT) has promised a full investigation.

Food and Drug Administration

Food and Drug Administration

Once at the restaurant, the maître d’ dropped silverware on the floor on the way to the table, and upon picking it up, bumped into a waiter carrying a tray of drinks and homemade gruel, spilling the tray’s contents all over the foyer. The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) will send a team of investigators next week.

“We need to ensure a safe and fun work environment,” said an OSHA spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We can’t have restaurant staff just bumping into each other.”

Finally seated, with appetizers and dinner ordered, it seemed time to finally relax. That was before the couple at the next table took out their cell phones to make dueling phone calls, one containing more personally vulgar information than the next. Yelling at the top of their lungs made the incident even more uncomfortable. The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) will be studying if any laws were broken, or if was just an example of two inconsiderate people ruining dinner for those around them.

National Institutes of Health

National Institutes of Health

“We take things like this very seriously,” said a FCC spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It’s bad enough people drive and hold their phones, but this restaurant incident is completely inexcusable.”

Dinner was served, but the order of crab cakes was rancid and needed to be sent back. The United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) and the Food and Drug Administration’s (FDA) Center for Food Safety and Nutrition (CFSAN) will be conducting a joint investigation, checking into the source of the crabs, fearing there could be an anti-crab conspiracy afoot in Maryland.

The food wasn’t the only issue. Upon opening a bottle of Coca-Cola, the contents exploded all over the couple, leaving them soaked in sweet Coke syrup. “At least it wasn’t Pepsi,” joked the couple, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC)

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

But the Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC), which does not believe the episode was the least bit funny, will be looking into a possibly faulty bottle design. “Someone could have lost an eye,” said a CPSC spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And all that wasted soda. What a crime!”

The crab cakes finally replaced, the next round of relaxation lasted about two minutes before a young child at the next table threw up. Everywhere. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” said a busboy at the restaurant, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Picture Jaws, but replace the blood with vomit. It was that bad. I’m traumatized for life.”

The National Institutes of Health’s (NIH) National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) is sending counselors for the busboy and any other staff and customers who might need therapy. And the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) will be on-site in the coming days to check for a possible communicable disease outbreak. “You can never be too careful,” said a CDC spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

“All in all, it could have been worse,” said the couple, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I mean, they could have added the FBI (Federal Bureau of Investigation) as a ninth investigative agency. Like Dick Van Patten said, I think eight is probably enough. And it’s nice to see our tax dollars at work!”

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