Kerry: Climate Change is a WMD

John Kerry (D-MA)

John Kerry

(Washington, DC) – Secretary of State John Kerry (D-MA) today called climate change a “weapon of mass destruction” (WMD) and urged developing nations to follow the lead of the United States in negating the processes that contribute to the global climate issue. Not that those in the United States are in agreement on the subject.

In using the WMD argument, President Obama (D-IL/Kenya) now has the tools, granted by Congress, to levy sanctions as he sees fit. “The president will use the power of his office to apply these sanctions, and we’ve seen in the past just how well sanctions work,” said a White House spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “They worked in Iraq after the Persian Gulf War [they didn’t]. They worked on eliminating North Korea’s nuclear program [they didn’t]. They worked on eliminating Iran’s nuclear program [they didn’t]. And now they’ll work on the countries responsible for global warming.”

Developing nations such as Indonesia, India, and Brazil account for more than 50% of the greenhouse gases emitted each year, pouring tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere and allegedly heating the planet by burning fossil fuels. Developing nations simply seek to attain developed nation status, but developed nations are now taking minimal steps to reduce carbon emissions.

China and the United States account for 40% of the greenhouse gases that allegedly cause global warming. China has moved slowly on the climate change issue, likely afraid to be seen aiding and abetting the United States. “We must continue to examine the global warming phenomenon, remain calm, not do anything provocative or hasty, and continue to threaten Taiwan and enslave Tibet,” said a Chinese government spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

For its part, the United States is hardly innocent, as it has been slow to embrace alternative sources of energy, and its citizens continue to prefer driving SUVs instead of Yugos.

And the country has its political and business climate change detractors as well. A platform of Republican Tea Partyists is to deny that global warming is real. “It’s all cyclical,” said a Tea Partyist spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It’s warm, it’s cold, and it’s normal. It’s not due to man-made issues. What we need is to increase emissions by building new factories and putting average, ordinary, everyday Americans back to work. The current administration has failed at this task miserably.”

“Normal” Republicans also took exception to Kerry’s WMD analogy. “If Secretary Kerry wants to see a real WMD, he should look at the national debt his boss is forcing on the country,” said a Republican Party spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He should look at the barrel bombs raining down in Syria as his boss does nothing to stop the attacks. He should look at how his boss has made the Federal government take over the health care system in this country. And he should look at the inaction by his boss as China builds aircraft carriers to challenge America’s navy. Even Iran is sending warships to our shores. Granted, they’re based on stolen blueprints from the Monitor and the Merrimack, but the ships are coming nonetheless. This ‘climate change’ thing is just an attempt to distract from the real WMD damage President Obama has done since 2009.”

Taking a page from the playbook of former President George W. Bush (R-TX), Tea Partyists are repeating the fallacies of the global warming argument. Bush famously said “in my line of work you gotta keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kinda catapult the propaganda” and the tactic seems to be working, as a sizeable number of Americans believe that, in spite of hotter summers and more intense hurricanes, more frequent tornadoes, and rising sea levels, climate change does not exist.

Kerry recently pointed out that “ten of the hottest years on record have actually happened since Google went online in 1998.”

“And Al Gore invented the Internet,” retorted a Tea Partyist spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

“And Google has nothing to do with climate change,” added a Google company spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Businesses are reluctant to modify factories or business practices for fear of screwing over their shareholders. “Even worse, there’s no way we’re going to do anything to shrink the bonuses and retirement packages from our CEO and CFO,” said an industry spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “The coffers must remain full. If we’re one of the world’s biggest polluters, so be it.”