North Korea Dismisses Report on Human Rights Abuses, Says Gulags are Really Spas

Department of State

Department of State

(New York, NY) – The United Nations (UN) has concluded that the government of North Korea is guilty of crimes against humanity. While North Korea’s reaction has been one of outrage, the rest of the world for the most part has simply answered with a “duh!” to the year-long investigation.

Several countries accused the UN of working for the United States, saying that it may use the report as a springboard for regime change in North Korea. “We prefer the status quo [in North Korea],” said a spokesman for an unnamed country with an anti-American government, speaking on condition of anonymity.

“We welcome this completely impartial report on the crimes committed by the government of North Korea,” said a State Department spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Now maybe we’ll see some action. Hopefully we’ll have as much success with North Korea as we’ve had recently with Syria.”

The International Criminal Court (ICC) in The Hague may get to review the charges against Kim Jong-Un’s government, but it’s unlikely that any North Korean officials will ever stand in The Hague to answer for their crimes. “That’s likely because the officials are too busy coordinating the starvation, subjugation, and torture of North Korea’s citizens,” said a Western expert on North Korea, speaking on condition of anonymity. Up to 120,000 citizens and kidnapped foreign nationals may be in North Korean prison camps.

United Nations

United Nations

For over 60 years, North Korea has denied committing human rights violations. “These ‘prison camps’ are nothing of the sort,” said a North Korean government spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “They are simply retreats, or resorts or spas if you prefer, for the benefit and re-education of the loyal people of North Korea.”

The government spokesman was summarily executed after revealing this information.

The ICC has a very narrow, fixed definition of what fits into the “Crimes against Humanity” category. The systematic use of extermination, torture, rape, or using [former NBA star] Dennis Rodman as your spokesman and BFF (Best Friend Forever) are all examples of the category.

The eccentric Rodman has made several visits to North Korea over the past year to see the country’s befriended young leader. During his latest visit, he sang “Happy Birthday” to the man who pushed the Korean peninsula to the brink of nuclear war less than a year ago. Rodman also lashed out in a drunken stupor at the media over Kenneth Bae, an American imprisoned in North Korea for more than a year, hinting that Bae probably deserves his 15-year sentence of hard labor. The United States has been urging amnesty and an immediate release of Bae.

Dennis Rodman

Dennis Rodman

Rodman insisted that his comments were taken out of context. But it has since come to light that Rodman was drunk for the entirety of his last visit, especially at his hotel, according to North Korean hotel employees, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He was drunk unconscious, and vomited everywhere he turned. He even urinated and emptied the bowels in the hallway.”

“In other words, he was the perfect American,” said a North Korean government spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. Still, average, everyday North Koreans aren’t supposed to be heard, and the hotel employees were quickly rounded up and executed.

Kim is said to be having second thoughts about inviting Rodman back, according to a North Korean government source, speaking on condition of anonymity. It seems that Kim, immune to torturing, executing, and starving his own people and relatives, doesn’t have the stomach for those who relieve themselves in public areas of five-star hotels.

The government source was swiftly executed after revealing this information.

“The United Nations accuses North Korea of having an ‘entrenched family-run government’,” said another North Korean government spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “So what? This is a crime? The United States has its own entrenched political families. The Kennedys. The Rockefellers. The Bushes. The Manson Family.”

Kim Jong-Un (North Korea)

Kim Jong-Un

After being executed, yet another government spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, continued in his place. “You in America are hypocrites. You’ve had the same people in charge since 1981. Reagan and Bush were the same. Then you had Clinton and you may have another Clinton in three years. And you had another Bush in the meantime. In the middle you’ve got this Obama person, but that’s America’s fault, not North Korea’s.”

Meanwhile, the Obama administration is trying to figure out a way to get North Korea to keep Rodman permanently, and whether their continued willingness to return him to the United States constitutes a violation of the USA PATRIOT Act.

The UN report is expected to also infuriate China, a permanent member of the United Nations Security Council (UNSC), who is the chief benefactor of North Korea. As such, China can veto the ICC recommendation.

China has tolerated North Korea’s gulags and treatment of its people because “let’s face it, China’s human rights record is pretty shoddy,” said a Western expert on China, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And China tries to aggravate the United States as much as possible, simply because it can. The last thing China wants is a pro-Western country like South Korea on its border, so it tolerates North Korea.”

China’s comments were typical for the Communist regime. “We must continue to examine the evidence, remain calm, not do anything provocative or hasty, and continue to threaten Taiwan and enslave Tibet,” said a Chinese government spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.