Congress to Obama on Crimea: Do Something!

Barack Obama (D-IL/Kenya)

Barack Obama

(Washington, DC) – Schizophrenic Republican lawmakers hammered President Obama (D-IL/Kenya) today for not taking decisive action against Russia for its invasion of Crimea in Ukraine.

The same individuals who demanded an end to US involvement in Iraq and Afghanistan are now calling for action against the only country on the planet, other than the United States, capable of annihilating the human race.

Obama had a tense 90-minute conversation with Russian President Vladimir Putin yesterday. Putin responded today by requesting and receiving permission from Russia’s upper house of parliament, the Federation Council, to send troops to Ukraine. The Russian military is now on Crimean soil and taking up positions around government installations and Crimean airports.

The Federation Council has since approved granting Putin even more troops – should he need them.

“President Obama deplores this aggression in the strongest possible terms,” said a White House spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He has told President Putin that there will be consequences. We have absolutely no idea what the consequences might be, but there will be consequences. And that’s consequential.”

Republican lawmakers are outraged that the Obama administration is talking about skipping economic meetings as a way to punish Russia for its invasion.

United States Congress

United States Congress

“We don’t need to skip meetings,” said a Republican hawk, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We need to go after Russia with European Union support. And I mean militarily. And I mean now! What’s the worst that could happen?”

“The Constitution decrees that only Congress can declare war,” said a GOP spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And President Obama is going to have to address Congress and ask for a declaration of war. Now, we’re not going to grant it, of course, because we’ll oppose anything Obama wants, but he should make the worthless effort just the same.”

Some Republicans are discussing a hostage situation, and it has nothing to do with Russians holding Ukrainians hostage. In early February, Republicans tried to decide how to hold Obama hostage for an agreement to raise the nation’s debt limit. In the end, the debt limit was raised without one concession from the president. But that doesn’t mean they’ve given up trying.

“We are suggesting that we’ll go along with authorizing the use of force to expel Russia from Ukraine,” said a spokesman for a Republican House member, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But we need something in return. Maybe a repeal of Obamacare (Affordable Care Act)? Maybe a guarantee that the president will lead efforts to impeach himself? Who knows? But he’s got to throw us a bone.”

Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin

For their part, Democrats seem horrified at the thought of America being dragged into another war. “President Ford – a Republican – once said there was no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe,” said a spokesman for a Democratic senator, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And right now there’s no Russian domination of Eastern Ukraine. Sure, there are a few troops here and there, but it’s not a full-scale invasion. Why are we stirring the pot?”

There has been rumored talk of Navy SEAL teams going to Chernobyl and destroying the concrete sarcophagus surrounding Reactor #4. This reactor exploded on April 26, 1986, irradiating most of Europe in the process. “This would irradiate Europe again, as well as Ukrainians, but at least Russia would know we mean business!” said a Navy spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.