Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner in Kiev?

John Kerry (D-MA)

John Kerry
(D-MA)

(Washington, DC) – During the 1952 presidential campaign, Dwight D. Eisenhower (R-KS) said, “I will go to Korea.” Sixty-two years later, Secretary of State John Kerry (D-MA) has said, “I will go to Ukraine.”

Calling Russia’s invasion of Ukraine – ordered by Russian President Vladimir Putin – “a brazen act of aggression” and threatening economic sanctions (once again), the Obama administration has announced it will send Secretary of State John Kerry (D-MA) to Kiev, the capital of Ukraine, to show support for President Oleksandr Turchynov, the interim leader of Ukraine. The visit will occur on Tuesday.

“We wanted him to get there on Monday,” said a White House spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But Kerry has wasted all of his frequent-flyer miles on that thing between the Israelis and the Palestinians. In short, we couldn’t get him a good bargain on a flight until Tuesday, so there you go.”

When asked why Kerry wasn’t going to fly into Simferopol – the capital of Crimea, the region invaded by Russia – the White House spokesman said it was impossible because “the Russians control the Crimean airports, DUH!”

The sanctions discussed between the United States and its European allies include (but are not limited to):

  • Economic sanctions on individual Russians
  • Travel restrictions on individual Russians
  • A boycott of the upcoming Group of Eight (G-8) leading industrial nations summit (to be held in Sochi, Russia)
  • Visa bans
  • MasterCard bans
  • Discover Card bans
  • American Express Card bans
  • Bamberger’s Charge Card bans

“We were also going to consider freezing their assets,” said a State Department spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, “but it’s Russia and it’s winter. We’re pretty sure they’re already freezing their assets.”

Additionally, the State Department is considering handing one-way tickets to Crimea to the likes of Justin Bieber, Madonna, Katy Perry, Lindsay Lohan, Honey Boo-Boo, Russell Brand, Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, Justin Timberlake, Dennis Rodman, and everyone with the name “Kardashian.”

“It’s a great idea that would certainly punish Russia, but we have to be careful that we’re not violating the human rights of people living in Crimea,” said the State Department spokesman, continuing to speak on condition of anonymity.  “Quite frankly, that’s why we decided not to send [Vice-President Joe] Biden.”

Kerry also spoke of providing “a major sort” of economic assistance to Ukraine. “In spite of a $17 trillion national debt, and in spite of millions of Americans still destitute from the Great Recession, we feel the least we can do is throw money at Ukraine,” said a spokesman for President Obama (D-IL/Kenya), speaking on condition of anonymity.

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