Russia at a Loss to See How It Can Lose in Crimea Aggression

John Kerry (D-MA)

John Kerry

(Washington, DC) &ndash “Russia is going to lose.”

So said Secretary of State John Kerry (D-MA) on the Sunday morning talk shows. He was referring, of course, to the quickly unfolding events in Ukraine, where Russian troops have taken up positions in Crimea.

Kerry believes sanctions are the way to stop Russian President Vladimir Putin from committing further aggression in Ukraine. Russia’s parliament has given permission for Putin to call up additional forces and have not limited their use solely to Crimea.

“Sanctions worked so well against Iraq, and they’ve worked so well regarding Syria, Secretary Kerry believes it’s the way to go,” said a State Department spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Back in the Ukrainian capital of Kiev, Ukrainian President Oleksandr Turchynov called the Russian incursion an “act of war” and said Ukraine is on “the brink of disaster.”

Oleksandr Turchynov

Oleksandr Turchynov

“If Russia wants war, we will give them war,” said a Ukrainian government spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “If Russia wants an invasion by Ukraine, we will give them an invasion. However, if Russia wants borscht, we will withhold this until Russian forces pull back to Russian territory. We want the message ‘no borscht for you!’ very clear to Putin.”

In another late-breaking development, tonight’s Oscars will not be broadcast by Russian television due to the situation in Ukraine.

“We cannot in good conscience televise an event featuring spoiled, capitalist millionaires while our citizens and military are under extreme tensions in Crimea,” said a Russian television producer, speaking on condition of anonymity.

The announcement regarding the cancellation of the Oscar broadcast was met with demonstrations in the streets of Moscow. Police used water cannon and tear gas to disperse the crowd. For those who still refused to leave, Russian officials broadcast Gigli to the remaining protesters, causing severe nausea and forcing them to withdraw.

Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin

In addition to pushing for sanctions, Kerry also commented that the Russian aggression is really “old school” and has no place in today’s world.

“It’s really 19st century behavior in the 21st century. You just don’t invade another country on phony pretexts in order to assert your interests.”

An American history lesson for Secretary Kerry:

19th Century
Year(s) Incident
1846-8 Mexican-American War
1898 Spanish-American War
20th Century
Year(s) Incident
1950-3 Korean War
1959-75 Vietnam War
1983 Grenada
1989-90 Panama
1990-1 Iraq/Kuwait
21st Century
Year(s) Incident
2001-14 Afghanistan
2003-11 Iraq
2004 Haiti
2011 Libya