Ukraine, Crimea to Divorce? Crimea River!

Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin

(Simferopol, Ukraine) – Ukraine and Crimea may be getting a divorce after sixty years of marriage.

Someone had better get a good lawyer.

Serhiy Aksyonov

Serhiy Aksyonov

Crimea was “given” to Ukraine in 1954 by the Soviet Union. Sixty years later, Crimea’s pro-Russian lawmakers have voted to leave Ukraine and join Russia. To make the decision seem legitimate, on March 16 – 10 days from now – Crimean citizens will vote on a referendum that will decide whether Crimea joins Russia, stays with Ukraine, or becomes independent.

The hasty vote is a response “to the disorder and lawlessness in Kiev,” referring to the events of the past two weeks which began when Ukrainians protested against President Viktor Yanukovych. Yanukovych fled to Russia, but not before his minions gunned down over 70 protesters on Independence Square in the Ukrainian capital.

Viktor Yanukovych

Viktor Yanukovych

“We realize that 10 days is a very short time to schedule a vote and print ballots,” said a spokesman for Crimean Prime Minister Serhiy Aksyonov, speaking on condition of anonymity, “but since the voting is going to be rigged, it really doesn’t matter all that much.”

In addition to the topic of secession, the referendum will also include ballot measures banning the likes of Chris Brown, Snoopy Dog Dog, Lady Gaga, Madonna, Katy Perry, Rihanna, and anything with the name “Kardashian” from Crimean soil.

Reaction from Europe, the interim government in Kiev, and the United States was swift and critical – other than the part about banning the likes of Chris Brown, Snoopy Dog-Dog, Lady Gaga, Madonna, Katy Perry, Rihanna, and anything with the name “Kardashian” from Crimean soil.

Oleksandr Turchynov

Oleksandr Turchynov

European leaders were talking of following the United States in slapping sanctions on Russians and Ukrainians responsible for egging on Crimea’s succession, killing and harassing pro-democracy protesters, as well as the corporate entities backing such people.

“Our government believes the calls for secession, as well as this so-called ‘referendum’ scheduled in 10 days, is illegitimate, ill-timed, ill-conceived, and illegal,” said a spokesman for Ukrainian President Oleksandr Turchynov and Ukrainian Prime Minister Arseniy Yatsenyuk, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Plus, it makes us ill just thinking about it.”

“President Obama believes this referendum is provocative and illegal,” said a White House spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Plus, it’s not a nice thing to do.”

Barack Obama (D-IL/Kenya)

Barack Obama
(D-IL/Kenya)

The White House also reiterated its threat of consequences for Russia and Russian President Vladimir Putin. For the 80th time.

“President Obama has once again told President Putin that there will be consequences. We have absolutely no idea what the consequences might be, but there will be consequences. And that’s consequential.”

Many staff in the White House, as well as Congress, believe allowing the referendum to go forward and allowing Crimea to secede will set a dangerous precedent for other secessionist movements around the world – many of which are within the United States.

State Comments
CA There’s been talk of California splitting into three states. There’s been talk of California of splitting into six states. Most Americans just wish California would split.
CO Many counties and regions within Colorado have tried to secede over the years. Congress is ready to grant their wishes as long as John Elway is part of the deal.
FL If put to a ballot measure, Florida could find itself a state without a country. After the disastrous voting crisis in the 2000 election, all it would take is some dimpled chads and the Supreme Court.
MA First threatened in 1977, Congress is now prepared to allow the secession of Martha’s Vineyard, Nantucket, and the Elizabeth Islands – as long as it includes removing the Kennedys from the country as well.
MI The Upper Peninsula of Michigan has tried to secede for over 150 years. Congress is ready to allow it to leave as long as it takes filmmaker Michael Moore with it.
NY Long Island would leave New York. Sure, losing the Hamptons and other resort areas on Long Island would be a blow to New York, but throw in Mayor Bill de Blasio (D-NY), whose popularity is plummeting, and it just might work.
TX Mexico’s waiting.
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