Lesson for Putin as US Teen Moves Back Home

Rachel Canning

Rachel Canning

(Lincoln Park, NJ) – Last week, 18-year-old Rachel Canning went to court so she could sue her parents, Sean and Elizabeth. This week has seen a 180° reversal from their previous acrimony. And in spite of hiring attorney-with-no-scruples Tanya Helfan, Rachel is back home with her parents after arriving Tuesday night.

Rachel claimed her parents threw her out on October 30, 2013, refused to pay her medical bills, pay for her private high school tuition, and declined to provide funding for her upcoming college years. She also claimed they were abusive and contributed to an eating disorder.

Her parents claimed she moved out on her own after refusing to abide by rules – such as keeping a curfew, doing chores, and staying away from an often-suspended boyfriend. They also claimed they were supportive and helped her through the eating disorder.

The return, allegedly precipitated by Elizabeth Canning reaching out to her daughter, does not include any financial or other considerations – other than they’re all family.

“What they need now is some time alone,” said a spokesman for the Canning family, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And it sounds like Rachel will be getting some additional time alone. I’m told she’s grounded until she goes off to college.”

The story garnered worldwide attention. Not even Russian President Vladimir Putin, busy with a takeover of Crimea and contemplating a greater invasion of Ukraine, could turn a blind eye to the tear-jerking saga.

Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin

John Kerry (D-MA)

John Kerry
(D-MA)

“President Putin is happy the situation has been resolved,” said a Putin spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And he sees how communication can help solve problems. He invites the United States and the European Union to meet to talk. Only then can they discuss how Putin plans to make Russia great again by carving up Ukraine and also pushing into countries such as Lithuania, Latvia, Estonia, and Poland.”

The United States was having none of this.

“President Putin now wants to justify his aggression by hiding behind the drama of an immature 18-year-old girl,” said a spokesman for Secretary of State John Kerry (D-MA), speaking on condition of anonymity. “He thinks she can secede from her family, so he can get Crimea to secede from Ukraine. It’s apples and oranges here. Or vodka and gin. Whatever he prefers. The bottom line is neither situation is right. And neither may turn out well in the end.”

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