(Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia) – The search for Malaysian Airlines MH370 continues – as does the search for new theories about the missing airplane – meaning the misinformation campaign has swung into high gear.
The trail of theories, counter-theories, contradicting theories, counter-contradicting theories, retractions, counter-retractions, and flat-out falsehoods has been so hard to follow that they sound like something penned for The Tonight Show, The Daily Show, or The Colbert Report.
In fact, the theories have become so outlandish and so contradictory that even Malaysian Airlines officials don’t know what’s the truth anymore.
“It’s true,” said a spokesman for Malaysian Airlines, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We’re just making stuff up at this point.”
The Boeing 777-200, carrying 239 passengers and crew, disappeared on March 8, one hour into its trip from Malaysia to China. Since then, dozens of nations have contributed to the search via ships, aircraft, and radar data. The United States National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) has been in Kuala Lumpur since the earliest days of the investigation.
The plane is still missing.
Malaysian Airlines authorities did another about-face today and now say they can’t even be sure when the last signal or communication from the airliner actually occurred. Up to now, it has been said the last transmission from the Aircraft Communications Addressing and Reporting System (ACARS) came at 1:07am. In addition, the last “word” from the plane’s cockpit – “all right, good night” – came at 1:09am. Flights check in with ACARS every half-hour, but no signal was received at 1:37am.
“What does this mean?” a Malaysia Airlines spokesman asked hypothetically, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It means the transponder and ACARS system was turned off at 1:08am. Or 1:09am. Or 1:10am. Or 1:11am. Or 1:12am. Or 1:13am. Or 1:14am. Or 1:15am …”
Intending to recite every minute until reaching 1:37am, the spokesman got to “1:20am” before being attacked and beaten at the lectern by the reporters attending their 99th press conference in 10 days.
Faced with few clues to follow, officials have analyzed the final transmission to see if there might have been something in the pilot’s voice to indicate something was wrong in the cockpit.
“We have so far been unable to find anything that would show the pilots were suicidal,” said a different Malaysia Airlines spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We haven’t found anything to show the plane was hijacked or that someone had gained unauthorized access to the cockpit. And we haven’t found anything to show mechanical failure.
“But we did learn that Captain [Zaharie Ahmad] Shah was recovering well from a root canal he had just last week. And his co-pilot, Abdul Hamid, preferred his choice of Berber carpeting to his wife’s choice of shag carpeting for their family room.”
Additional information gleaned from the two-second voice transmission:
Zaharie Ahmad Shah
|Enjoys long walks on the beach||Enjoys hang-gliding|
|Received 50¢ from the Tooth Fairy for his first lost tooth||Paid 50¢ for his first box of chalk|
|Screams at the television when watching Survivor||Cries when watching It’s a Wonderful Life|
|Favorite NFL team: Cincinnati Bengals||Favorite NFL team: Cleveland Browns|
|Thought OJ Simpson was framed||Thought Charles Manson was framed|
|Prefers Coke||Prefers Pepsi|