New “Hellish” Dinosaur Amazes, Inspires, Offends

Anzu wyliei: "Chicken from Hell"

Anzu wyliei
“Chicken from Hell”

(New York, NY) – The world is still buzzing over the announcement of the newest dinosaur discovery. Or, perhaps “clucking” over the announcement would be more appropriate?

Scientists this week announced the find of Anzu wyliei, a birdlike, feather-covered dinosaur that lived 68 million to 66 million years ago. Its remains were found in parts of North Dakota and South Dakota.

Unofficially, the dinosaur carries the “Chicken from Hell” moniker.

“This would have been a terrifying beast,” said a spokesman for New York’s Museum of Natural History, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Eleven feet in length, standing at seven feet tall, and weighing 500 pounds, it could have stomped on you and then pecked your eyes out with its toothless beak. Next, it could have ripped you apart with its four-inch claws.

“Telling the bulgy-eyed creature to ‘Cluck Off!’ or to ‘Go Cluck Itself!’ would not have protected you.”

Mitch McConnell (R-KY)

Mitch McConnell

Reaction to the news about the Chicken from Hell was mixed.

Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) immediately applied for permission to use some of the dinosaur’s DNA to clone it and bring it back to life. “We believe the Chicken from Hell would be a great addition to our menu,” said a KFC spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Of course, we’d have to hope that our employees wouldn’t be pecked and clawed to death while preparing it for our customers.”

McDonald’s has also asked for permission to add Chicken from Hell to its menu. And this fast-food chain has more experience than KFC when it comes to odd menu items. On November 28, 2000, a customer in a McDonald’s restaurant in Newport News, Virginia discovered a battered chicken head in their order. “This should put us ahead of our competition,” said a McDonald’s spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

The Food and Drug Administration’s (FDA) Center for Food Safety and Nutrition (CFSAN) quickly weighed in, asserting that it would have the final say on turning dinosaurs into delicacies. “We will use a standard FDA methodical process to determine if this dinosaur is safe for consumption by the general population,” said a FDA spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And I think eating establishments can wait for our results. After all, this thing has been dead for 66 million years. What’s another million years of our studying it?”

Battered McDonald's Chicken Head (circa November 2000)

Battered McDonald’s Chicken Head
circa November 2000

Meanwhile, the town of Hell, Michigan has filed a lawsuit against the scientists who gave the Chicken from Hell its nickname. “As residents of Hell, we’re the only ones allowed to use the term for promotional purposes,” said a representative of the town, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We’re the ones who do the merchandising. We’re the ones who allow you to get married in Hell. And we’re not going to stand by as our gravy train is derailed by some deranged scientists who don’t have the same values as those of us in Hell have.”

Others consider the Chicken from Hell to be insulting and blasphemous.

“We believe this is a nonsensical hoax,” said a Tea Partyist spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “First, the Earth is only 5,700 years old. Second, only God can decide who winds up in Hell, and we’re pretty sure Hell is limited to people and Democrats, not farm animals.”

Even members of Congress couldn’t resist weighing in.

“We simply can’t believe a bulgy-eyed creature such as this one roamed the United States,” said a spokesman for Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), speaking on condition of anonymity. “And we know that when people say ‘dinosaur’ they’re really referring to long-serving members of Congress. It’s all just so offensive.”