Search Teams Play “Lost and Found” with Supposed MH370 Clues

Malaysia Airlines Boeing 777

Malaysia Airlines
Boeing 777

(Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia) – As search teams for Malaysian Airlines MH370 prepared to end their third week of searching for the Boeing 777-200, new information once again challenged any previous notions of where the plane – and its 239 passengers and crew – might be.

Investigators now believe the plane flew much faster than originally thought – though, like all other data trickling out about the missing airliner, no one would say where the latest revelations came from. Using this new information, which would seem to indicate the plane ran out of fuel much sooner than previously thought, search teams in the Indian Ocean moved northeast by 700 miles to continue their exhaustive and painstakingly slow operations.

“The current search areas have turned up hundreds of objects,” said a spokesman for the United States National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB), speaking on condition of anonymity. “We still have no idea what the objects are, but we’re not sticking around to find out. Because this is a thorough and well-planned search effort, we’re redirecting the search again. Maybe we’ll find something before we have to move another 700 miles again.”

National Transportation Safety Board

National Transportation Safety Board

In fact, CNN has confirmed its presence in the rest of the world’s oceans – Atlantic, Pacific, and Arctic – just in case new forthcoming information might redirect the search area yet again. Determined not to lose the scoop of the century, CNN reporters from “Patronizing Verbal Diarrhea with Wolf Blitzer” have also been sent to Jupiter’s moon, Europa, which features a subsurface ocean.

Given the search locations over the past week, Australia has taken lead on search and recovery efforts. While no definitive plane wreckage has been found, a number of other items have been verified:

  • Authorities have finally learned why Nicole Kidman ever considered being married to Tom Cruise. “We now know, it’s not pretty, and we’re not prepared to discuss the issue any further at this time,” said an Australian government official, speaking on condition of anonymity.
  • Authorities have located information about a non-anti-Semitic version of Mel Gibson. “He’s real, but he’s nowhere near as much fun as the anti-Semite we all know and love,” said an Australian government official, speaking on condition of anonymity.
  • Authorities finally have turned up leads on the whereabouts of Paul Hogan’s career. “We can’t comment at this time because of the ongoing investigation,” said an Australian government official, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But we can say with certainty his career isn’t dead, no matter what the media might report.”

The search, which has turned up dozens of false leads, has covered areas ranging from the Gulf of Thailand to Vietnam to Afghanistan to different sections of the Indian Ocean. The plane went missing on March 8 and its whereabouts are still unknown.