(Copenhagen, Denmark) – The Copenhagen Zoo and Abattoir is at it again.
On February 9, the facility gained international notoriety when it killed Marius, a healthy 2-year-old giraffe, in the name of preventing inbreeding. In spite of efforts to spare Marius, including a petition with over 20,000 signatories and monetary offers from zoos and private citizens to take the giraffe, the zoo went forward with the killing.
Zoo visitors were then treated to watching zoo employees skin the animal and feed its remains to the zoo’s lions.
Six weeks later, some of the zoo’s lions met a similar fate. On March 24, four lions – named Stupid, Cupid, Lucid, and Frank – were killed to make way for a new male lion.
“The lions didn’t seem to mind a free meal at the time,” said the zoo’s resident chameleon, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But Karma can be nasty sometimes.”
As was the case with Marius, the outcry is as much over the method of killing as the killing itself. In Marius’ case, a gun was used. Zoo officials, apparently afraid to repeat their public relations nightmare from February, consulted NFL quarterback Michael Vick about what to do with the lions.
“Mr. Vick was very helpful,” said a Copenhagen Zoo spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “His experience in this area really saved our necks. Not the lions’ necks, though.”
In 2007, Vick was convicted of killing Pit Bulls that underperformed in his dog-fighting ring. The dogs were killed in a variety of ways, including drowning and electrocution.
Following Vick’s stellar blueprint, Stupid was electrocuted. Cupid was drowned. Lucid was forced to watch Gigli and subsequently committed suicide. And Frank was forced to watch Shanghai Surprise and, too, committed suicide.
Danish officials are now concerned about Queen Margrethe II, the country’s chief of state since 1972. “The queen and her family dined on the lions’ remains,” said a government spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We saw the giraffe devoured by the lions. Now we’ve seen the lions devoured by our monarch. This doesn’t bode well. That chameleon may be right.”
Officials at the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) are worried the killings in Denmark may be related to recent killings in Washington, DC. On March 25, a resident walking through Rock Creek Park discovered the carcasses of six chickens, two pigeons, and a pygmy goat. Some of the animals had been decapitated, while others were semi-decapitated but had their throats slashed.
Some investigators believe the killings were part of a ritualistic or religious practice. “The animals were found on an isolated park path, and the manner of their executions probably means a ritual of some sort,” said an investigator, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It probably wasn’t demonic in nature because they had their organs. I can confirm that other instruments were missing, however.”
Others disagree. “This could be a return of cults – the likes of which haven’t been seen since Heaven’s Gate,” said another investigator, speaking on condition of anonymity. Members of the Heaven’s Gate cult committed mass suicide in 1997.
“Granted, these animals weren’t castrated, and they weren’t poisoned, and they weren’t covered in purple sheets, but other than that, how is it different?”
The CIA has yet to find a link between the Copenhagen Zoo and Rock Creek Park. “Just because we haven’t found anything yet doesn’t mean we won’t,” said a CIA spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “After all, the investigation is just starting, and I’m sure there’s lots of evidence we can falsify.”