Individuals with Low Morals to Investigate Individuals with Low Morale

United States Congress

United States Congress

(Washington, DC) – “The last few years have been challenging for Federal employees.”

With those words, Congress announced it would look into the alleged sagging morale of the nation’s Federal employees. One can only assume the Congressional investigators, in once again pointing out the painfully obvious, are continuing to suffer from the medical condition known as Irony Impairment.

Representative Elijah Cummings (D-MD), ranking member on the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, has asked the Government Accountability Office (GAO) to look into the issue.

Elijah Cummings (D-MD)

Elijah Cummings

“We needed to find a new issue to investigate,” said a spokesman for Cummings, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It had to be an issue that doesn’t need investigation, will unnecessarily cost taxpayers millions, yet will show average, ordinary, everyday Americans that their representatives are doing ‘something’ and not just sitting back and collecting paychecks … which is what Federal employees actually do.

“Plus, Representative Cummings is looking forward to doing something where his microphone might not be shut off.”

On March 5, Cummings was cut off by Darrell Issa (R-CA) during the Lernergate hearings.

Cummings and company will also ask the GAO to assess the recruitment and retention efforts at Federal agencies.

Reaction was swift and critical.

“Recruitment???!!!” exclaimed a spokesman for the American Federation of Government Employees (AFGE), speaking on condition of anonymity. “Who would want to go to work for an employer who routinely mistreats, denigrates, and dehumanizes its employees on a daily basis? And as far as ‘retention’ goes, who would really want to stay there?”

“If the 535 members of Congress want to look into why morale is so low, they should just go to a glass manufacturer and place an order for 535 mirrors,” said another AFGE spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Then they’ll see the true reason for the morale issues.”

New Jersey’s Glaziers Local Union 235 has graciously stepped forward and offered to fill the mirror order.

The AFGE spokesman kindly provided a number of issues Federal employees have recently faced.

Potential Morale-Killing Issue   Who’s Fault?
Four-year cost-of-living pay freeze   Congress
October 2013 Federal government shutdown   Congress
December-January 1995-6 Federal government shutdown   Congress
November 1995 Federal government shutdown   Congress
Sequester – leading to budget cuts at most Federal agencies   Congress
Sequester – leading to furlough days at most Federal agencies   Congress
Sequester – leading to slashed travel budgets at most Federal agencies while members of Congress continue to fly around the country and the world on the taxpayers’ dime   Congress
Refusal to look into the inedible food served to Federal employees at a variety of cafeterias in Federal government buildings   Congress
Mandating telecommuting for Federal employees but not looking into why managers at some Federal agencies are allowed to disallow the practice   Congress
Cuts in the coffee-and-doughnuts budgets at Federal agencies   Congress
Routine vilification of Federal employees   Congress

“The bottom line is this: Congress does not trust Federal employees,” said a National Treasury Employees Union (NTEU) spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “They believe Federal employees are lazy, corrupt, and stealing the hard-earned money from average, ordinary, everyday American taxpayers.

“In other words, Congress believes Federal employees are a reflection of themselves. Without having to raise tens of millions of dollars for re-election efforts.”