Ryan Hopes to Balance Budget on the Backs of Feds, Elderly, and Indigent

United States Congress

United States Congress

(Washington, DC) – Just one day after Representative Paul Ryan (R-WI) released a proposal to reduce the Federal deficit, Democrats assailed the plan as unfairly targeting the poor, the indigent, and those who don’t make enough money to seriously contribute to either their lifestyles or their re-election campaigns.

The Ryan Budget Plan would cut $5.1 trillion in spending over the next 10 years, balancing the Federal budget by 2024.

“Congressman Ryan believes the time to act is now,” said a Ryan spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We must act to save the country from complete financial ruin. And by ‘the country’ I mean millionaires, billionaires, and multi-billion dollar corporations.”

The following chart, provided by Ryan’s staffers, shows the true beneficiaries of his reasonable plan:

Ryan Budget Positives

Spending Cut Impact on the 99% Impact on the 1%
Highway Construction Bridges collapse, roadways crumble Private jets not affected by destroyed infrastructure
Repeal of Obamacare 30 million Americans lose access to health care Insurance companies earn record profits
Medicaid Slashed Senior citizens move from nursing homes to highway underpasses Multimillionaires earn another tax deduction
Food Stamps Poor and indigent resort to cannibalism Millionaires and billionaires resort to caviar
Paul Ryan (R-WI)

Paul Ryan

Elijah Cummings (D-MD)

Elijah Cummings

Meanwhile, Federal employees would also feel the wrath of the Ryan Budget Plan in the form of higher retirement contributions with no additional benefits.

“The budget would require tripling employees’ contributions to their retirement funds, but they wouldn’t get an extra dime when they actually retire,” said a spokesman for the American Federation of Government Employees (AFGE), speaking on condition of anonymity. “And they would lose at least one of their daily coffee-and-doughnut breaks. Oh, the humanity!”

Representative Elijah Cummings (D-MD), whose constituents are largely Federal employees, vowed to fight the proposed cuts to their benefits, anxious to be able to voice his opinion once again without having his microphone turned off.

On March 5, Cummings was cut off by Darrell Issa (R-CA) during the Lernergate hearings.

”                                                            ,” said a Cummings spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.