(Cape Canaveral, FL) – Scientists announced on April 3 the discovery of a vast ocean located beneath the ice of Enceladus, a moon of Saturn. The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) hailed the discovery as another step towards understanding the mysteries of the universe – but not the mystery of how the current 535 members of Congress continue to get re-elected.
NASA’s Cassini spacecraft, launched October 15, 1997, provided the data to reach this conclusion. “Obviously we’re happy that the mission is working out,” said a NASA spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Heck, these days we’re happy that we still have funding!”
It’s unknown if the sub-surface ocean is teeming with life or, like Congress, is devoid of intelligence. “We don’t even know how large the ocean is,” said a NASA spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It could be the size of the Great Lakes. It could be the size of [New Jersey’s] Lake Hopatcong. No one knows, and that’s why we need additional money for additional missions. That’s how we stay in business!
“And when the mission ends [in 2018], we’ll crash the spacecraft through the layer of ice and into the ocean. That way, we can see just how polluting and contaminating 73 pounds of plutonium can be. Now that’s science!”
The technological triumph is a boon to the conspiracy theorists and CNN following the disappearance of Malaysian Airlines MH370.
“Let’s put this in perspective,” said an ‘expert’ from CNN regarding MH370, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We can send a probe to another planet that’s 743,646,456 miles from Earth and detect an ocean underneath a layer of ice, but we can’t find a Boeing 777 on this planet? Seriously, does that make sense to anyone?”
The Washington Suburban Sanitary Commission (WSSC), which serves the Washington, DC metropolitan area, immediately announced plans for another rate hike. “It’s going to cost a lot of money to truck water in from 750 million miles away,” said a WSSC spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.
Staff for Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley (D-MD) confirmed the proposed rate hike and announced they would not stand in WSSC’s way. “Raising taxes is what we do best!” said an O’Malley spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.
Freedom Industries, the company responsible for the January 2014 dumping of crude chemicals into West Virginia’s Elk River, said it now felt vindicated by the discovery of a new fresh water source – and that all fines and penalties levied against the company would be appealed.
“See, there’s plenty of water in the solar system!” said a spokesman for Freedom Industries, speaking on condition of anonymity. “So everyone should stop their whining when we ‘accidentally’ pollute a main United States water supply that causes a minor ‘inconvenience’ for 300,000 people.”