US to Iranian Diplomat: “No Visa for You!”

United Nations

United Nations

(Washington, DC) – The government of Iran has chosen its new ambassador to the United Nations. But he’ll never get to see the building in-person.

On April 10, Congress passed a bill that denies access to the United States for any representative of the United Nations with ties to terrorism. The legislation passed in both the House and the Senate, which makes it the first piece of bipartisan legislation to come out of Congress since 2008.

President Obama (D-IL/Kenya) has signaled he agrees with the spirit of the legislation, but hasn’t decided if he will actually sign it.

As the host nation for the UN, the United States is obliged to grant visas to UN representatives. It rarely denies such requests.

United States Congress

United States Congress

This means Iran’s choice for United Nations (UN) ambassador, Hamid Abutalebi, will not be granted a visa to the United States.

“It’s bad enough we have a Kenyan in the White House,” said a Tea Partyist spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We don’t need more terrorists on American soil.”

For his part, a spokesman for the White House, speaking on condition of anonymity, said Obama would have denied Abutalebi’s visa, with or without Congressional action.

The State Department was asked if the visa was denied, or if the request was simply shelved. “We cannot comment on that,” said a State Department spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “The application is confidential, so even though we can publicly insult a citizen of the Islamic Republic of Iran, we can’t tell you the how, when or why regarding the application’s status.”

Barack Obama (D-IL/Kenya)

Barack Obama

Abutalebi previously served as Iran’s ambassador to countries and entities with no links to terrorism: Lebanon, Hezbollah, Islamic Jihad, Syria, Al-Qaeda, and Somalia.

Abutalebi “allegedly” took part in the takeover of America’s embassy in Tehran on November 4, 1979. Fifty-two Americans were held hostage and tortured for 444 days. For this reason, Congress has labeled Abutalebi a terrorist and, because of the new legislation, will not be allowed access to the UN.

In spite of video footage showing Abutalebi tying blindfolds on Iran’s captives, he denies any ties to the abduction and torture of the 52 Americans. Instead, he claims to have only been an interpreter between the Americans and their captors.

“He only interpreted,” said a spokesman for the Iranian government, speaking on condition of anonymity. “All he did was tell the hostage-takers what the citizens of The Great Satan [Iran’s name for the United States] were speaking.

“Now, the Americans repeatedly asked to be freed. And they asked for the torture to end. When Ambassador Abutalebi relayed this information to us, we chose to pretend we couldn’t understand a word he was saying. But, of course, we could.”

Department of State

Department of State

Predictably, the government of Iran was not happy with the visa snub, and says it will not nominate another citizen to be its UN ambassador.

“Selecting an ambassador for a country or an entity is Iran’s inalienable right,” said a spokesman for the Iranian government, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It is also our inalienable right to enrich uranium, develop nuclear weapons when we tell the world we are not developing nuclear weapons, and wage war against the Zionist Entity [Iran’s name for Israel]. We will not budge one iota on any of these rights.”