Badly Behaving Feds to Have Bonuses Banned by Bipartisan Bill

United States Congress

United States Congress

(Washington, DC) – Federal employees have officially been warned: “Feds Behaving Badly” will no longer be tolerated.

Kind of.

Tired of seeing bonuses – in the form of money paid by taxpayers – awarded to Federal employees who might be fired if they worked elsewhere, two United States Senators have put forth a bill to stop the practice.

The legislation proposed by Senators Kelly Ayotte (R-NH) and Claire McCaskill (D-MO) would withhold bonuses to those who are having tax problems.

“The Senator feels very strongly about this,” said a spokesman for Senator Ayotte, speaking on condition of anonymity. “How can we have a Federal employee working and not paying taxes? Their salary is paid by taxes, so in essence, they’re not paying themselves. And they need to be paying themselves.”

Kelly Ayotte (R-NH)

Kelly Ayotte

Claire McCaskill (D-MO)

Claire McCaskill

The legislation would also target Federal employees with other “conduct issues,” including spousal abuse, insubordination, animal torture, drug use, bullying, keying cars, alcohol abuse, complaining about the quality of food in cafeterias located in Federal buildings, and following anything with “Kardashian” in its name.

“If these people didn’t work for the Federal government, they would have been fired long ago,” said a spokesman for Senator McCaskill, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And, as we all know, you basically have to murder someone to be thrown out of the Federal service. But we can certainly do something about financial rewards. There’s no reason why child abusers, wife beaters, and others who belong in jail should instead be rewarded by this country’s taxpayers.”

They will not, however, be fired.

Predictably, those who support Federal employees lashed out at the bill.

“This is another example of Congress going after Federal employees,” said a National Treasury Employees Union (NTEU) spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It doesn’t even look like there’s an appeals process written into this legislation, so someone will be guilty and not have the opportunity to be proven innocent. Isn’t that why we often criticize other governments?”

When asked whether these standards would be applied to members of Congress, the anonymous spokesmen for both Ayotte and McCaskill became hysterical laughing, and were unable to provide any intelligible answer.