Panettiere’s Wedding Plans Kaput Due to Ukrainian Crisis

Hayden Panettiere

Hayden Panettiere

(Kiev, Ukraine) – As events in Ukraine continue to spiral out of control, international observers have become even more worried as the violence has now claimed a new victim. And multiple countries are crying foul.

As Russian-backed paramilitary thugs continue to stir up resentment for the Ukrainian interim government, buildings have been taken over, people have died, and many more have fled their homes. To the world’s population, towns like Odessa and Slovyansk and Danetsk are more familiar now than even last week. But now a new line has been crossed.

Actress Hayden Panettiere has postponed her wedding.

Her fiancé, Ukrainian heavyweight boxing champion Wladimir Klitschko, has been following the events in Ukraine closely. Even though he no longer lives there, the events of the past few months have “touched him deeply” according to anonymous sources.

John Kerry (D-MA)

John Kerry
(D-MA)

“How can he think about getting married when his country is on fire?” asked a Panettiere spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Hostilities will have to cease before the wedding can go forward.”

While Panettiere is reportedly not happy, the disruption of the wedding threatens to tear the very fabric of Ukraine apart.

Secretary of State John Kerry (D-MA) commented on the dire situation.

“Secretary Kerry believes this is a new level of despair, a new facet to the crisis, certainly for the Ukrainian people, but also for Ms. Panettiere,” said a State Department spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Secretary Kerry is working tirelessly with his Ukrainian and Russian counterparts to see what can be done to get this wedding back on track.”

Acting Ukrainian President Oleksandr Turchynov also made his concerns known.

Oleksandr Turchynov

Oleksandr Turchynov

Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin

“President Turchynov does not want Ukraine to be seen as an impediment to their marital bliss,” said a Turchynov spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “After all, this is a Hollywood wedding, and we all know that Hollywood marriages last forever.”

In the end, it may all hinge on the behavior of Russian President Vladimir Putin. Many believe Putin will continue Russia’s aggressive stance out of spite against America.

“The recent sanctions levied against President Putin [by the United States] include bans on Hollywood films and subscriptions to Netflix and HBO,” said a Putin spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And he’s also not allowed to associate with Hollywood socialites. If President Putin can’t attend the Panettiere wedding, why should he make the wedding possible in the first place?”

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