Monica Lewinsky Returns to the Present to Bury the Past

President Bill Clinton (D-AR)

President Bill Clinton
(D-AR)

(Washington, DC) – The year was 1998. General Motors (GM) produced Oldsmobile and Pontiac. Ford produced Mercury. Americans used Palm Pilots to take notes, share information, and keep their calendars. And the House of Representatives impeached Bill Clinton for “high crimes and misdemeanors” related to his affair with White House intern Monica Lewinsky. The Senate would acquit him in 1999.

Fast-forward 15 years. GM no longer produces either Oldsmobile or Pontiac. Ford no longer produces Mercury. No one has heard of Palm Pilots in at least 10 years. Bill Clinton has been out of office for 13 years. And Lewinsky is an afterthought belonging to the last decade of the 20th Century.

Maybe she should have stayed there.

Instead, Lewinsky is featured in the June 2014 edition of Vanity Fair, claiming “It’s time to burn the beret and bury the blue dress.” And she claims to want to give her story “a different ending” than the one everyone knows.

But her aim at revisionist history will fail as much as her reputation has suffered since the media firestorm of the late 1990s. She claims she can’t find steady work because of her “history” and, no doubt, is now coming forward to clear her name and get on with her life.

Monica Lewinsky

Monica Lewinsky

Good luck.

“When you try to frame the President of the United States, it doesn’t look good,” said a headhunter, speaking on condition of anonymity. “People kind of remember that sort of thing. And Clinton was a popular president, so that’s only worse for Lewinsky.”

Some believe Lewinsky’s “coming out” is being orchestrated by Republicans, who fear they will be shellacked at the polls in November 2016 by Clinton’s wife, Hillary Clinton.

“We want to show that we support women,” said a spokesman for the Republican National Committee (RNC), speaking on condition of anonymity. “Folks from the other side of the aisle say we’re anti-women. That’s simply not true. We just want women to follow what God intended, and God intended Republicans to interpret the Bible literally. And if we have to take advantage of Ms. Lewinsky … I mean, use her as an example … I mean, focus on the smear campaign from a over a decade ago in order to get our point across, well, that’s what we’ll do.”

Others believe Lewinsky is trying to come clean so she can find gainful employment, something her “history” has prevented her from doing up to now.

Linda Tripp

Linda Tripp

“She’s 40 years old and living in her parents’ basement,” said a family friend, speaking on condition of anonymity. “So, sure, she’d like to move out and move on, but first she’s got to find that job with the six-figure annual salary. And I don’t mean the low six-figures. We’re talking $500,000 and up.”

One possibility lies with toymaker Mattel. In April 1999, FLATLINE reported on Mattel’s interest in creating a Barbie doll in “honor” of Lewinsky. According to the FLATLINE story, Monica Lewinsky Barbie was to come complete with a blue dress, beret, and thong. Additionally, the doll was to speak when squeezed, uttering such phrases as “Can you point me to the nearest dry cleaner?”

“We shelved the idea once the impeachment was over,” said a spokesman for Mattel, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Quite frankly, I don’t think many people knew [Lewinsky] was still alive. But she is, and if this Vanity Fair thing puts her back in the spotlight, sure, we’d like to discuss going forward with the Barbie.”

Mattel’s plans also called for producing a Linda Tripp Ken doll. There’s no word if the production of such a grotesque plaything is in the works for 2014.

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