(Washington, DC) – American officials are used to being lambasted by North Korean leaders. The United States regularly finds itself at the receiving end of threats, taunts, and tantrums by the current dictator, Kim Jong-Un, especially every March because of the joint drills the American military conducts with South Korea’s military.
But North Korea has now used a new tactic: the race card.
Its latest tirade, largely aimed at President Obama (D-IL/Kenya), hurled insults ranging from inappropriate to outright racist.
The Korean Central News Agency started off by calling Obama a “clown” and a “dirty fellow.” It was all downhill from there, saying:
- “… Obama does not even have the basic appearances of a human being …”
- “… [Obama is a] wicked black monkey …”
- “… Obama is a crossbreed with unclear blood …”
- “… Obama still has the figure of a monkey while the human race has evolved through millions of years …”
- “… it would be perfect for Obama to live with a group of monkeys in the world’s largest African natural zoo and lick the breadcrumbs thrown by spectators …”
The vitriol seemed to stun even the most hardened North Korean analysts in the White House.
“We expect to hear vitriolic bile from Kim Jong-Un,” said a White House analyst, speaking on condition of anonymity, “but not vitriolic bile borrowed from 1814 America. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but these words are flat-out racist.”
“Kim Jong-Un calling President Obama a “monkey” means he’s irony impaired, among other things,” said a State Department spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I mean, they’re poking fun at President Obama’s appearance? Has the Pillsbury Doughboy looked in a mirror lately?
Plus, this guy has been starving and torturing his people for years. Every North Korean citizen looks like an Auschwitz survivor. And he thinks this is a ‘normal’ look for human beings?”
The anonymous State Department spokesman also pointed out the recent visit to North Korea by African-American National Basketball Association (NBA) celebrity Dennis Rodman – Kim Jong-Un’s Best Friend Forever (BFF) – as further evidence of the Dear Leader’s irony impairment.
Administration officials summoned the Chinese ambassador to the White House this evening in order to lodge a protest. China is North Korea’s greatest benefactor. But Chinese officials seemed unconcerned and unimpressed.
“Who do you think wrote the script for the Korean Central News Agency?” asked a Chinese official, speaking on condition of anonymity.
Even members of the Republican Tea Partyist wing are coming out – albeit grudgingly – against North Korea’s statements.
“It’s one thing for us to routinely use these words against President Obama,” said a Tea Partyist spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It’s quite another for a foreign state to do the same. When we do it, it’s truthful. When they do it, it’s racist. I think average, ordinary, everyday Americans can tell the difference.”
It was just three weeks ago that Democrats and Republicans in Congress were arguing over which party was more racist.
Star Trek fans were quick to rush to Obama’s defense.
“We understand how hurtful the term ‘half-breed’ can be,” said a spokesman for the Star Trek fans, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Who can forget Kirk calling Spock a ‘half-breed’ in the [original series] episode [of Star Trek] ‘What Are Little Girls Made Of?'”
Of course, there are those in America who are quietly supporting North Korea’s statements. For example, Kim Jong-Un has been given a lifetime pass to any Denny’s restaurant. Denny’s dealt with a number of race-related incidents in the 1990s. As a result, customers can request to sit in either the “Racist” or “Non-Racist” section of the restaurant.
Billionaire Birther Donald Trump also chimed in on the North Korean insults.
“He’s been warning the American people about the Kenyan in the White House for over five years now,” said a Trump spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Now we see concurrence from another country’s leaders. Granted, the leader is a psychopath, but we feel it’s valid nonetheless. By the way, this is off the record, isn’t it?”
“Mr. Trump doesn’t think Obama is a half-breed, he just likes to say that!” added the spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.
White supremacist and anti-Semite Frazier Glenn Cross, who recently shot three people he had mistaken as Jews to death, commended Kim Jong-Un.
“Obviously he hates [explicative],” said a spokesman for Cross, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It’s a safe bet he hates Jews, too. Even though he didn’t mention Jews this time, maybe he’ll do so next time. I mean, one can only hope, right?”
Kim Jong-Un seems to have found a kindred spirit in 67-year-old Nevada rancher and melon farmer Cliven Bundy, who shares the “1814 America” view. Bundy, a darling of Tea Partyists, recently suggested African-Americans were better off under slavery.
“Mr. Bundy hasn’t ever left the state of Nevada,” said a Bundy spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But he’d sure like to travel outside the United States and shake the hand of North Korea’s leader. When you live life by an outdated, odious, bile-filled mantra, you don’t often meet many people who think exactly like you do.”
“Commissioner Silver suggested Mr. Sterling should sell the team,” said a Sterling spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He didn’t say who should buy it. And if Mr. Sterling can find a like-minded individual to buy the team, everyone will be happy in the end.”
And it wouldn’t be a true racial controversy if former Imperial Wizard and Grand Dragon of the KKK Daniel Carver – no relation to George Washington Carver – didn’t have something nice to say.
“It’s time to wake up, White people!” said Carver spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Now you’ve got these [explicative] [explicative] calling the shots against the filthy [explicative] in this country. When are you going to get the message? It’s time to send these [explicative] [explicative] [explicative] [explicative] [explicative] back to where they came from. And now we have international support, even if the international support comes from a bunch of [explicative] [explicative].”