A Higher Power Weighs in on TV Programming

Federal Communications Commission

Federal Communications Commission

(Towson, MD) – ABC recently announced which television shows would be renewed and which would be cancelled for the rest of the 2014 season. While many disagree with the network’s choices, it looks like the selections this time around have offended someone in a position of power: God.

A man claiming to be the Almighty demanded entry to Baltimore’s ABC affiliate, WMAR-TV 2, just before noon today. When employees wouldn’t provide access to the two-story building, he drove a stolen truck into the lobby – literally. Witnesses at the television station say he rammed the building’s lower level several times before successfully gaining entry.

The incident knocked WMAR off the air for several hours, prompting the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) to dispatch staff to the area to provide whatever assistance might be needed.

abcAs panic ensued and station employees evacuated the building, the unidentified man ran from the truck and hid somewhere inside the facility.

“We really didn’t know what was going on,” said a station employee, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We’re used to reporting on important issues like the Congressional naming of post offices and the latest celebrity death, beating, or use of racial slurs. We were totally unprepared for an attack on our station – and even more unprepared to report on it.”

Police eventually responded to the multiple 911 calls and found the unidentified man holed up on the second floor, holding a golf club and watching himself on television.

“He told us that, as God, He’d never seen Himself on television before, and it was a very exciting experience,” said a police spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

But the man’s identification came into question later in the day. Sources speaking on condition of anonymity said he seemed irritated about the network’s choice of programming.

“He seemed particularly incensed that America’s Funniest Home Videos was renewed,” said an anonymous source, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I mean, the show’s been on almost 25 years. And it’s not funny. It’s never been funny. What’s up with that?”

FLATLINEgov is providing the list of ABC’s choices below. Which one(s) would make you drive into a television station and hold police at bay with a golf club?

ABC Renewed TV Shows for 2014 ABC Cancelled TV Shows for 2014
  • America’s Funniest Home Videos
  • The Bachelor
  • Castle
  • Dancing With the Stars
  • The Goldbergs
  • Grey’s Anatomy
  • Last Man Standing
  • Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD
  • The Middle
  • Modern Family
  • Nashville
  • Once Upon a Time
  • Resurrection
  • Revenge
  • Scandal
  • Shark Tank
  • The Assets
  • Back in the Game
  • Betrayal
  • Killer Women
  • Lucky 7
  • Mind Games
  • Mixology
  • The Neighbors
  • Once Upon a Time in Wonderland
  • Suburgatory
  • Super Fun Night
  • Trophy Wife