NJ Prepares for Hot Time on August Valentine’s Day

Chris Christie (R-NJ)

Chris Christie

John McKeon (D-NJ)

John McKeon

(Trenton, NJ) – Just like the nation’s other 49 states, New Jersey has its share of problems. Property taxes are among the highest in the nation. A projected $2 billion budget shortfall for the next two fiscal years has forced Governor Chris Christie (R-NJ) – a possible presidential candidate for 2016 – to dip into the pension fund meant for public workers. Stories of “Politicians Behaving Badly” are published daily in the state’s newspapers, as are tales of murder, rape, bullying, and robbery.

But one state politician is about to propose legislation that should put a spring in the step of all New Jerseyans.

Or it will renew residents’ faith in a state government that is run by out-of-touch lunatics.

Assemblyman John McKeon (D-NJ) has introduced a resolution that would designate the holiday “Half St. Valentine’s Day” on August 14, 2014.

“Assemblyman McKeon has proposed this initiative to help businesses throughout the state that were hurt by the major snowstorm we experienced on February 13,” said a McKeon spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “The weather hurt restaurants, florists, and other Valentine’s Day-dependent proprietors. This is a way to make up some of that money while putting smiles on the faces of average, ordinary, everyday New Jerseyans.”

Bill Pascrell (D-NJ)

Bill Pascrell

In examining McKeon’s finances, FLATLINEgov has learned the assemblyman owns significant stock in Hallmark Cards. In Congress, New Jersey Representative Bill Pascrell (D-NJ) owns stock in American Greetings Corporation, Inc. And New Jersey Representative Donald Payne, Jr. (D-NJ) owns stock in FTD Companies, Inc.

In spite of these revelations, McKeon’s spokesman has denied any ulterior motives in proposing the new holiday.

“Assemblyman McKeon’s number one priority is helping New Jersey’s businesses, not working to replenish his coffers,” claimed his spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And that goes for Representatives Pascrell and Payne as well. To suggest that any politician would propose legislation for their own personal financial gain is ludicrous, unfounded, and insulting. I mean, that never happens in America!”

New Jersey’s residents don’t seem to be convinced. Or impressed.

Donald Payne, Jr (D-NJ)

Donald Payne, Jr

“We’ve got taxes that are too high,” said a New Jersey resident, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We’ve got a bully for a governor who gets back at his political enemies by closing bridges. The governor is going back on his word and stealing from the pension fund. And McKeon’s solution for all this is to create another commercial holiday? Is he learning-impaired?”

What a [explicative] idiot!” exclaimed another New Jersey resident, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Doesn’t this clown have any real issues to work on?”

Similar sentiments were expressed several years ago when word got out about another legislative initiative: declaring “Wash Your Hands Month” in September.

“The state had problems back then, too,” recounted a New Jersey historian, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And when this idea came out, there was general outrage and confusion. I mean, were people supposed to wash their hands only in September?”

In the end, the legislation never passed.

“The state’s legislators wisely decided to wash their hands of the whole thing,” said the historian, speaking on condition of anonymity.