Hard to Beliebe


(New York, NY) – Another day, another apology from superstar Justin Bieber.


Bieber is no stranger to controversy. On January 23, he was apprehended in Florida for drag-racing while DUI – without a license.

For whatever reason, the DUI episode garnered much more attention than the incident of April 12, 2013, when Bieber visited the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam, writing in the official guest book that he hoped she “would have been a Belieber.” It was a touching request from the pop legend for a girl who spent two years in Amsterdam hiding from the Nazis, only to have been discovered and sent to the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp, where she died in March 1945.

This month’s controversy, stemming from the release of a video the Canadian recorded five years ago, may be too much for Bieber to overcome. In the video, the then-15-year-old repeatedly uses the “N-Word” – as a joke – as he changes the lyrics to one of his songs. For good measure, he also references the Ku Klux Klan (KKK).

Reverend Al Sharpton

Reverend Al Sharpton

The “joke” is not sitting well with most sane people, and even the insane Beliebers – his most hard-core fans – must be shaking their heads in disgust and concern.

Or maybe not. They are, after all, Justin Bieber fans.

At first, Bieber denied the seriousness of the video’s release. “Justin believes he’s being railroaded by the media,” said a Bieber spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Anyone with a lick of sense can see the changed lyrics are being taken out of context.”

Critics hasten to point out that, racist or not, the “song” isn’t much of a song in the first place. “It isn’t real music anyway,” said a music critic, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It’s just noise that sounds like a live animal caught in a garbage disposal – just like the rest of his music.”

Bieber issued a heartfelt apology for the racist music video. “I’m very sorry,” said Bieber, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I take all my friendships with people of all cultures very seriously and I apologize for offending or hurting anyone with my childish and inexcusable behavior. And, most of all, I’m sorry that I got caught.”

Reverend Jesse Jackson

Reverend Jesse Jackson

Bieber will be doing the routine penance required of all celebrities who offend African-Americans in this day and age:

  • Early next week, he will meet with Al Sharpton. In 1987, the Civil Rights leader defended an excrement-covered Tawana Brawley, a 15-year-old African-American teen claiming to have been assaulted by six white men. Her accusations were disproven, and while Sharpton may not have known the entire Tawana story, he surely knew most of it.
  • Later in the week, he’ll travel to meet Jesse Jackson, an anti-Semite. In 1984, while running for president, Jackson referred to Jews as “hymies” and New York City as “Hymietown.”

To citizens of other countries, it might seem odd that someone uttering racial profanities would have to subsequently ingratiate themselves to someone involved in child exploitation and endangerment, not to mention someone holding anti-Semitic views. But, in 2014, that’s the American way.

Department of Homeland Security

Department of Homeland Security

As for other consequences, the Federal government is checking to see if any of the laws the Canadian has broken are enough to get him deported. For starters, the Justice Department (DOJ) is checking to see if the video rises to the level of a hate crime.

“Everyone hates him already,” said a DOJ spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “So why are we even looking into this? He’s hated. He committed a crime. Throw him out of the country!”

The US Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) – formerly the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) – is checking into that possibility.

“We’re going to take any shot we’ve got to kick this racist out of the country,” said a USCIS spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “People hate him, they hate his music, and now they hate his racist bile. Sounds like a trifecta to me.”

Bieber handlers are rejecting the deportation of their client, saying it would amount to “cruel and unusual punishment” to return him to Canada.

“Forcing Justin back to Canada and making him put up with people saying ‘aboot’ and asking ‘eh?’ all the time is tantamount to a human rights violation,” said a Bieber spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Ku Klux Klan (KKK)

Ku Klux Klan

Department of Homeland Security (DHS) officials have concerns from another angle: as Bieber is freely walking the streets of America, they can’t guarantee his safety from the public.

“People who see him should be considered armed and dangerous and may take the law into their own hands,” said a DHS spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We’ve just gotten word that Bieber was surrounded by an angry mob. He responded by throwing his ‘Someday’ cologne at them and running for his life. His current whereabouts are unknown, but he should be considered armed with a substance whose smell could knock a buzzard off a large pile of human waste.”

Unconfirmed reports show Bieber planning for life after the video controversy blows over.

“We can’t confirm anything,” said a Bieber spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, “but we are attempting to produce another video that would feature Justin with [former Imperial Wizard and Grand Dragon of the KKK] Daniel Carver. When Grand Dragon Carver heard Justin’s comments, he immediately became a Belieber.”

Donald Sterling

Donald Sterling

Daniel Carver is no relation to George Washington Carver.

Another unconfirmed report shows an endeavor with soon-to-be-former Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling.

“They are fast friends, especially since the release of the video,” said a Sterling spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And while Mr. Sterling is losing the Clippers, he would still like to be involved with the NBA, even if it’s on the DL [down-low]. And if Mr. Bieber is deported to Canada, it would make perfect sense for him to help Mr. Bieber purchase the Toronto Raptors. I mean, isn’t that what white, rich, racist people do?”