Anti-Government Couple Craps Out in Vegas

Las Vegas Officer Igor Soldo

Las Vegas Officer
Igor Soldo

(Las Vegas, NV) – What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

And if terrorists fatally shoot you in Vegas, you’ll stay in Vegas – as a corpse.

Thanks to the services of anti-government white supremacists Jerad and Amanda Miller, three more names can be added to the tally of mass shootings in 2014:

  • Igor Soldo, Las Vegas police officer
  • Alyn Beck, Las Vegas police officer
  • Joseph Wilcox

Aligned with the wholesome beliefs and values of today’s average, ordinary, everyday American militia members, racists, neo-Nazis, and white supremacists, the Millers told their Las Vegas neighbor they were headed to an “underground world” and asked if he would mind bringing in their newspapers and feeding their cats.

Las Vegas Officer Alyn Beck

Las Vegas Officer
Alyn Beck

At 11:20am Sunday, the couple walked into CiCi’s Pizza and killed Soldo and Beck. Beck was left covered with a “Don’t Tread On Me” flag and a swastika.

They then made their way to the nearest Wal-Mart, where Wilcox was shot while trying to stop them from harming other shoppers and employees.

The carnage apparently ended when Amanda shot Jerad, then turned her gun on herself.

“They seemed to be enjoying the shootings,” said a Wal-Mart customer, speaking on condition of anonymity. “They seemed to be enjoying creating pandemonium and panic.

“But shortly after they shot [Wilcox], the woman [Amanda] learned that Wal-Mart’s sale on Jhirmack had ended on Saturday. She started yelling at the guy [Jerad] who must have promised her the stuff was still on sale. The next thing you know, she blows his head off, and then does the same to herself.

“It’s really a shame, because the bottles on the end cap right next to her were still marked off on discount. She must have missed that.”

Cliven Bundy

Cliven Bundy

Gabriel Diaz

Gabriel Diaz

As investigators today continued to piece together what actually happened, and what might have set the Millers off, one lead suggested the couple might have spent time in Bunkerville, NV, at the ranch owned by anti-government white supremacist Cliven Bundy. In late April, Bundy made cringe-worthy racist comments that even sent many of his supporters scurrying like cockroaches.

“It looks like the Millers were Bundy’s kind of people,” said an investigator, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It wouldn’t surprise me if they all had tea with Mel Gibson out there.”

But the Bundy family immediately denounced the Millers’ actions. “We may be ignorant white supremacist racists stuck in the 19th century, but those two [the Millers] were just plain nuts,” said a Bundy family member, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Investigators are also checking reports related to the swastika. The Millers may have been in touch with New York cab driver Gabriel Diaz. In May, Diaz was suspended from his job because he chose to wear a Nazi armband while picking up fares. Authorities want to know if Diaz’s swastikas are related to the Millers’.

Heath Campbell

Heath Campbell

Ku Klux Klan (KKK)

Ku Klux Klan

Predictably, not everyone is upset with the Millers. New Jersey neo-Nazi Heath Campbell cautiously voiced support for the Millers. In 2008, Campbell gained notoriety when he tried to get a birthday cake for his three-year-old inscribed with “Happy Birthday Hitler.” His son’s legal name was Adolf Hitler Campbell.

Mel Gibson reportedly threw his support behind the Millers – even though none of the three victims was Jewish.

“Better luck next time!” exclaimed a Gibson spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

And former Imperial Wizard and Grand Dragon of the Ku Klux Klan Daniel Carver – no relation to George Washington Carver – seemed pleased with the Millers’ actions.

“Wake up, white people!” proclaimed a Carver spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Grand Dragon Carver fully supports kicking the savages out of America, and he also supports kicking out the government that supports integration. That’s the non-use of profiling, and that’s just wrong.”

Department of Justice

Department of Justice

Mel Gibson

Mel Gibson

The Justice Department (DOJ) is investigating to see if the Millers can be charged with a hate crime. “Of course, it won’t mean anything to their prison sentence, since they’re now serving eternity in Hell,” said a Department of Justice spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It’s just the idea of unnecessarily spending tens of millions of dollars to prosecute, convict, and sentence to death two dead mass-murderers. That’s the American way!”