Narrow Miss in Mississippi

Thad Cochran (R-MS)

Thad Cochran

(Jackson, MS) – Senator Thad Cochran (R-MS) declared victory last night in the tightest and meanest election taking place in Tuesday’s primaries.

How mean? Cochran’s challenger, state Senator and Tea Partyist Chris McDaniel (R-MS), down by about 6,300 votes with 99% of the votes counted, refused to concede the election.

“Just like [former Illinois Governor) Rod Blagojevich (D-IL), Senator McDaniel will fight,” said a Tea Partyist spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He will fight, he will fight, he will fight, until he is declared the winner of this election.”

Blagojevich, accused of corruption, was impeached and removed from office in January 2009. Convicted of Federal charges, he began serving a sentence in March 2012 that will run at least until 2024.

Johnnie Cochran

Johnnie Cochran

Due to Mississippi election rules, some Democrats were able to vote in the Republican runoff. Cochran took advantage of this rule and courted African-American Democrats to his cause.

“We knew that if we could win the African-American vote, we’d win the election,” said a Cochran spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “After all, it was the Tea Partyists who spat on and jeered African-Americans in front of the Capitol. What African-American in their right mind would support this guy?”

The anonymous Cochran spokesman was referring to a March 2010 protest rally at the Capitol. The rally was called to protest the bill that would later become the Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare), but things turned particularly ugly for members of the Congressional Black Caucus. Representative Emanuel Cleaver II (D-MO) claimed Tea Partyists spat on him. And Representatives Andre Carson (D-IN) and John Lewis (D-GA) reported racial epithets being hurled their way.

Rod Blagojevich (D-IL)

Rod Blagojevich

Another factor in Cochran’s favor: his last name. Many apparently thought he was related to Johnnie Cochran. The late lawyer is a hero to many African-Americans because he managed to let OJ Simpson get away with murdering Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman.

“Of course they’re not related!” said a Thad Cochran spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “They are related the same way [former Imperial Wizard and Grand Dragon of the KKK] Daniel Carver is related to George Washington Carver. In short, they’re not.

“On the other hand, Senator Cochran did use the phrase ‘All the votes are in, I’ve got a win!’ in his victory speech last night!”