Soccer in the Mouth

2014 World Cup (Brazil)

2014 World Cup

(Brasília, Brazil) – It’s time once again for a rare event that brings countries together. The eyes of the world are focused on Brazil, as hundreds of millions of football fans (“soccer” fans in America) cheer and weep over the 2014 FIFA World Cup.

Apparently, it’s also time for conservative shrill political commentator Ann Coulter – today’s Persephone – to open her mouth again.

Coulter, a devout racist with homophobic, anti-immigrant and anti-Muslim views, chose to condemn the sport’s growing popularity in America.

“Any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay,” said Coulter.

“It’s ironic that [Coulter] would single out a sporting event as the cause of morality’s decline,” said a Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “She must be running out of material. Usually she blames Democrats, gays, Muslims, and immigrants. But today is their lucky day, I guess.”

Ann Coulter

Ann Coulter

“Ms. Coulter stands by her comments,” said a Coulter spokesthing, speaking on condition of anonymity. “After all, the players are savages. Just look at [Uruguay’s Luis] Suárez. The animal thought he was [boxer] Mike Tyson and bit the Italian guy [Giorgio Chiellini].”

Suárez has since been suspended from 2014 World Cup play. And Coulter’s comparison is odd because she recently made kind comments about Tyson.

“I always like to see psychotic sociopaths hit rock bottom and then claw their way back into the good graces of society,” said Coulter. “Even if they are inferior.”

The recent bile spewed by Coulter has been reserved for the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) for its inability to stem the tide of illegal immigration. Of course, the comments made and theories postulated are wildly inaccurate and false, such as:

Department of Homeland Security

Department of Homeland Security

  • The growing Latino population will “wreck the country”
  • Hispanics become poorer over time
  • Latinos are government-dependent
  • Latinos are lazy
  • Many immigrants have “almost comically foreign names”
  • Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX/Canada) is not a real Hispanic

“What can we say?” asked a White House spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We expect it from Coulter. She insults immigrants. She insults Muslims. She insults gays and minorities and liberals and Democrats. And she’ll go after Republicans who aren’t ‘conservative enough’ for her. She’s an equal opportunity insulter.”