(Washington DC) – On August 11, 2011, presidential candidate Mitt Romney (R-MA), staring down a heckler, declared, “Corporations are people, my friend.”
Nearly three years later, it turns out he was right.
The Supreme Court today sided with two companies, Hobby Lobby and Conestoga Wood Specialties, as to whether corporations are people and therefore can have religious beliefs. Depending on the beliefs of a company’s ownership, benefits can be withheld from employees.
In this case, birth control – made available to millions of Americans through the Affordable Care Act (ACA, aka “Obamacare”) – can be withheld.
“It’s a great day for corporations!” exclaimed a corporate lawyer, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Now multi-millionaire owners don’t have to be burdened by providing costly health care insurance to their employees. Their coffers will be replenished. Yay!”
“This is a great day for average, ordinary, everyday Americans,” said a spokesman for Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH), speaking on condition of anonymity. “This ruling shows just how flawed Obamacare is. And it demonstrates why it’s time to repeal this bad law and replace it with common-sense legislation.
“We have no idea what we’ll replace it with, all we know is it needs to be replaced!”
Predictably, the White House was not happy with the decision.
“We disagree strongly with today’s Supreme Court decision,” said a White House spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And we now see, once again, how some members of Congress are turning this ‘victory’ into an effort to deny 30 million average, ordinary, everyday Americans their health insurance.”
Within minutes of the ruling, corporations began sending out press releases informing shareholders – and employees – what health care coverage would immediately be denied. And the cuts, while not evenly distributed, obviously took on religious overtones.
“No more circumcisions for you!” said a Ford spokesman with glee, speaking on condition of anonymity.
Meanwhile, Paula Deen Foods announced it would no longer offer health insurance to its African-American employees.
“Only about 0.01% of our employees are [explicative],” said a Paula Deen spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And, needless to say, most are underprivileged anyway, so this will work very well for them!”
Other unspecified multi-billion dollar corporations were planning to announce health insurance cuts as early as Tuesday.
“Some will cut health insurance for liberals,” said an industry spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Others will cut health care for conservatives. There’s really no end to this. Owners can object to any group and cut their coverage. God bless the Supreme Court!”