Hamas Defeating Israel? You Gaza Be Kidding!

Benjamin Netanyahu

Benjamin Netanyahu

(Tel Aviv, Israel) – Seven days into the latest battle between Israel and Hamas, one thing is clear: terror is a two-way street.

On the one hand, Hamas’ Islamic Fundamentalist minions have fired over 1,000 inaccurate rockets. They have been fired into all areas of Israel, including indiscriminate targets in major cities. Some have even made their way towards Jerusalem, the city claimed by Palestinians at their rightful capital.

“We believe the targeting of Jerusalem is a mistake,” said a spokesman for Jerusalem’s mayor, speaking on condition of anonymity. “If the Palestinians read the maps of the region, they’d see where they were firing. On the other hand, it’s doubtful that these particular individuals can read.”

“It is our duty to fight against the occupation,” said a member of the Kissy-Face Martyrs’ Brigades, speaking on condition of anonymity. “All targets within the Zionist Entity are legitimate targets.”

The Face of Hamas

The Face of Hamas

On the other hand, Israel is using precision-guided munitions to kill the Islamic Fundamentalists that would kill Jews – and their weapons of terror. Israel even contacts residents beforehand to give them time to get out of harm’s way.

“We hired the Moviefone guy to call the Palestinians,” said an Israeli government spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. That way, Palestinian citizens can be given a heads-up while checking to see when their favorite movies are playing – assuming the movie theater isn’t a target.”

In spite of the warnings, almost 200 Palestinians have been killed. In some cases, Israel blames Hamas for telling its citizens to ignore the Israeli warnings.

“In at least a few cases, the Palestinians refused to accept the collect calls,” said an Israeli government spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

The United States proposed a cease-fire days ago, but neither side seemed to listen.

John Kerry (D-MA)

John Kerry
(D-MA)

“It’s a shame that both sides continue to ignore Secretary [of State John] Kerry’s suggestions,” said a State Department spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “This might have been avoided if both sides had only kissed and made up.”

Egypt has proposed a cease-fire, but neither side seems ready to cease hostilities.

“We wish to continue lobbing missiles at the Zionist Entity while they never fire at us again,” said a Hamas spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

For its part, Israel would probably like to keep shooting until every member of Hamas is liquidated. But there are signs that the military is getting weary of repeating the same fight over and over.

“I hope this is the last military operation,” said a member of the Israel Defense Forces (IDF), speaking on condition of anonymity. “We’ve just about run out of names for these operations, and they get more and more ridiculous over time.”

There have been three major engagements between Israel and Hamas in the past five years:

Operation Name Start Date End Date Purpose/Mission
Operation Cast Lead December 27, 2008 January 18, 2009 Israel’s stated goal was to stop rocket fire into Israel
Operation Pillar of Defense November 14, 2012 November 21, 2012 Israel’s stated goal was to stop rocket fire into Israel
Operation Protective Edge July 8, 2014 ongoing Israel’s stated goal is to stop rocket fire into Israel

“This time will be different,” said an IDF spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “This time we will stop the rocket fire [from Gaza] once and for all. We are determined to make Hamás hamless.”

Hindenburg

Hindenburg

Operation Protective Edge has seen surprises from both sides of the conflict. Hamas has demonstrated the use of unmanned drones – or Unmanned Combat Air Vehicles – to enter Israeli airspace. These Hamas-built drones, known as Unmanned Fatwa Air Vehicles, reportedly can be used to spy or carry payloads of explosives for suicide missions.

“We prefer using martyrs with suicide vests for such operations,” said a Hamas spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “They seem to think it’s a real blast.”

Given the technology used for these drones is about as up-to-date as the technology used on the Hindenburg before its destruction in 1937, the suicide martyrs will likely stay in business for a while.

For Israel, the targeting of Palestinian computer systems has been key in keeping them off-balance. Even though Gaza doesn’t have a computer newer than an IBM XT (manufactured from 1983-7), Israel’s principal hacker has done an exemplary job.

Ted Cruz (R-TX/Canada)

Ted Cruz
(R-TX/Canada)

“The covert work done by Inter Netanyahu [brother of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu] has helped us minimize casualties while achieving our goals,” said an IDF spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He’s doin’ a heck of a job.”

In the United States, members of Congress seem mostly upset about the cancellation of Neil Young’s July 17 Tel Aviv concert. The cancellation was prompted by the increased range of Palestinian rockets.

“Now we’ve seen the cancellation of a classic American icon’s concert,” said a spokesman for Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX/Canada), speaking on condition of anonymity. “This is an abomination, and we call upon Hamas to immediately stop the shooting and allow the concert to take place.”

Ironically, Young – like Cruz – is Canadian.

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