Israel, Hamas Refuse to Address the Elephant in the Room

Israel

Israel

(Tel Aviv, Israel) – Day 14 of Operation Protective Edge turned out be just as tragic and frightening as the previous 13 days. And, with neither side seeming interested in a cease-fire, it looks like the war could stretch on for several more weeks.

Israel lost seven more soldiers. Hamas lost over 100 civilians and fellow Islamic Fundamentalists. For those keeping score, that’s 25 Israelis, over 560 Palestinians, and one donkey. For anyone with a shred of common sense, the total is simply appalling.

At the behest of international pleas, Israel has declared three cease-fires in the past two weeks, each lasting several hours. During those hours, Hamas continued to rain rockets down on Israeli territory.

The Face of Hamas

The Face of Hamas

“Either they’re too brain-damaged to understand what a ‘cease-fire’ means, or they’re on crack,” said a Middle East expert, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Summer travelers were disappointed today when they heard Secretary of State John Kerry’s (D-MA) recommendation that American citizens curtail non-essential travel to Israel and the Palestinian territories.

“Secretary Kerry strongly, clearly, and unequivocally believes that taking a vacation while having rockets rain down on you isn’t conducive to the relaxation sought out by average, ordinary, everyday Americans,” said a State Department (DOS) spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Hamas has refused to consider any cease-fire opportunities until its demands – which its leaders call “fair … and humane” – are met by Israel.

“It’s odd that Hamas would talk about ‘fair’ and ‘humane’ demands,” observed a member of the Israeli government, speaking on condition of anonymity, “when they’ve caused the slaughter of over 500 of their fellow citizens by storing munitions amongst innocent civilians. How ‘fair’ and ‘humane’ do the Palestinian civilians think that is?”

John Kerry (D-MA)

John Kerry
(D-MA)

Hamas’ demands are:

  • the opening of border crossings between Gaza and Israel
  • the opening of border crossings between Gaza and Egypt
  • retaining the right to lob unguided rockets at Israel without fear of Israeli reprisal attacks
  • Western institutions of higher learning must recognize the Palestine University course “Rock-Throwing 101” as legitimate and eligible for transfer credit
  • the easing of travel restrictions so Islamic Fundamentalists can walk unopposed, even with explosives strapped to themselves
Islamic Fundamentalist Terror Weapon

Islamic Fundamentalist
Terror Weapon

  • the easing of the delivery of goods so Hamas can rebuild its destroyed tunnel system and restock its munitions
  • Western nations must commit to bringing back 8-Track tape
  • the release of freedom-loving members of Hamas who were arrested by Israel when three Israeli teens were abducted and slaughtered
  • the immediate execution of every Jew on the planet

Not surprisingly, France – which has recently seen an enormous resurgence of anti-Semitism – has endorsed several of these demands, including the final one. The French find themselves on the same page as groups like Islamic Jihad and Hezbollah.

Additionally, a new faction of Hamas, the Exploding Donkey Martyrs’ Brigades, has been actively looking to capitalize on its donkey attack carried out earlier this week. They have reached out to New Jersey’s Margate City for assistance, and some in Margate City are trying to answer the call for help.

Department of the Interior

Department of the Interior

Lucy the Elephant in Margate City, NJ

Lucy the Elephant

“We feel badly for the Palestinians, so we’re eager to help any way we can,” said a spokesman for the Atlantic City Chapter of the Ku Klux Klan (KKK), speaking on condition of anonymity.

The plan: to ship Margate’s Lucy the Elephant to Gaza so she can be used to attack Israel. She is a six-story elephant constructed of wood and tin sheeting in 1881.

“These people want to commit an act of terrorism with a 133-year-old elephant?” asked a member of the National Park Service (NPS), speaking on condition of anonymity. Do they realize she survived the landfall of Hurricane Sandy [in 2012]? And now they want to blow her up? These people have no shame.”

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