Ebola, American Style



(Atlanta, GA) – The latest outbreak of the Ebola virus is showing no signs of slowing down, and as the numbers of the dead and infected continue to climb, so do the number of countries with citizens showing symptoms of the disease.

The current outbreak began in Guinea in March. More than 1,700 cases of the disease have been reported. Over 900 people have died in Guinea, Liberia, Nigeria, Saudi Arabia, and Sierra Leone.

Symptoms include fever, weakness, muscle pain, vomiting, diarrhea, and a very high tolerance for listening to Sarah Palin. The incubation period – from the time of infection to the time of seeing the first symptoms – is 21 days.

Sarah Palin (R-AK)

Sarah Palin

A disease with no available vaccine and a fatality rate of up to 90%, Ebola can only be transmitted through direct contact with the bodily fluids – blood, semen, saliva, urine, feces, or sweat – of someone who is sick.

Some, however, disagree with the disease’s transmission.

In Liberia, President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf called on citizens to observe three days of fasting and prayer. The Liberian Council of Churches recently said the country is facing the Ebola outbreak because “God is angry with Liberia.” The Council specified “homosexualism” as a major factor in God’s anger.

“We’re not sure why we continue to face this disease,” said a Liberia government spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We’ve prayed. We’ve tortured, punished, and killed those responsible for immoral acts. And still we are facing a pandemic.

“Maybe we haven’t gone after enough gays? Or with enough gusto? After all, nothing cures a pandemic like state-sponsored terrorism!”

Ellen Johnson Sirleaf

Ellen Johnson Sirleaf

Meanwhile, in the United States, Atlanta’s Emory University Hospital, in close coordination with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), welcomed two Americans infected with Ebola during their stay in West Africa. Hospital staff have said “these patients will benefit – not threaten – the country” in trying to assure average, ordinary, everyday Americans that there is no possibility of an American Ebola outbreak from treating these victims.

“Well, I wouldn’t say it’s 100% certain,” said a Hospital staff member, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Nothing is 100% certain. In this case, I’d say we’re 99% sure there will be no Ebola pandemic in America. Or 98%. Or maybe it’s 50/50. I don’t really know, I never studied Statistics in college.”

Rutgers University

Rutgers University

New Jersey, too, is dealing with its own health emergency. A possible Ebola victim is in quarantine in Freehold’s CentraState Medical Center. The unidentified man recently returned from West Africa with flu-like symptoms.

“We were very concerned with his fever, vomiting, and diarrhea,” said a Medical Center spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But when he started exhibiting stomach cramps and nausea, and we found out he’d recently visited Rutgers University, we realized it’s more likely he ate Codfish Tails Parmesan in the school’s dining halls.”