Have Something Witchy and a Smile

Charles Manson

Charles Manson

(Los Angeles, CA) – Since Congress has gone home for a well-deserved five-week vacation, Election 2014 is enjoying a lull. And Election 2016 is something very few are willing to discuss until after November 4. But that hasn’t stopped some people from jumping into the fray.

The first person to declare their candidacy for President of the United States in 2016? None other than convicted mass-murderer Charles Manson.

“It makes perfect sense for Manson to run in 2016,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He’s got name recognition. He takes a no-nonsense approach to important issues of the day. And given today’s anniversary, maybe it’s time for Manson to play a more productive role in society.”

Forty-five years ago today, a group of killers known as “The Manson Family” broke into 10050 Cielo Drive. They proceeded to butcher its tenant, Sharon Tate, and four of her associates. On August 10, the Family broke into 3301 Waverly Drive and butchered its owners, Leno and Rosemary LaBianca.

While Manson supposedly sent his fanatical followers to “get their hands dirty,” he himself was not one of the killers. During his trial, the prosecution painted him as, among other things, a racist who was trying to ignite a race war.

Department of Justice

Department of Justice

“He was convicted of ordering the murders, but he had no blood on his hands,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “In fact, the Justice Department (DOJ) is now investigating whether or not Manson received a fair trial.”

“You’re talking about someone who was sentenced to death for participating in murders he didn’t participate in,” said a DOJ spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We’ve got to make sure Manson’s civil rights weren’t violated.”

Manson and his followers were sentenced to death, but their sentences were commuted in 1972 when the Supreme Court abolished the death penalty.

“The case still mesmerizes America,” said a law professor, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And given the short attention spans and memories of Americans, that’s not easy to do. But that’s a plus for his political aspirations.

Share a Coke with Charles Manson!

Share a Coke with
Charles Manson!

“And he’s a survivor. By all rights, he should have been killed over 40 years ago. In November, he’ll be 80.”

Manson’s status as an inmate – he won’t be eligible again for parole until 2027, when he’ll be 92 – is leading some question Manson’s ability to run an effective campaign.

“Why discount him as a criminal and an elected official?” asked a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “There are hundreds of people in this category currently serving in Congress. And the White House.

“And he’s already got his campaign team assembled. I understand his campaign manager is none other than his long-lost son, Zezozose Zadfrack Glutz. It should be fun to watch the campaign for the next two years.”

Even Coca-Cola has joined the festivities. The company is currently running its “Share a Coke” campaign, which involves imprinting hundreds of first names among on its 20 oz. beverage bottles. In addition to the names, other phrases such as “BFF” and “Family” also appear.

Just as Manson once thought The Beatles were speaking to him through their song Helter Skelter, his followers have taken the “Family” bottle as a sign for Manson’s political aspirations.

“Once we did ‘Family’ for the campaign, we knew we had a tie-in with this summer’s anniversary,” said a Coca-Cola spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. Given the 45th anniversary of the Manson Family murders, we couldn’t resist. Why, we’ve even given Manson his own named bottle!

“Summer is a traditionally a time to see family and friends and share special moments. Now, in addition, you can share something witchy.”