(Washington, DC) – President Obama (D-IL/Kenya) authorized limited airstrikes in Iraq on Thursday, becoming the fourth consecutive president to order attacks on Iraqi soil. [FLATLINEgov predicted such a return on June 16, 2014.] Obama assured average, ordinary, everyday Americans that Operation Shazam! would be limited in scope. Predictably, there were those who supported his actions, and detractors who screamed loudly at their “Impeach Obama” dolls.
Obama famously came out against America’s involvement in Iraq when, in 2003, America invaded Saddam Hussein’s Iraq under false pretenses. American troops did not withdraw from Iraq until 2011 – over 4,400 of them killed in action.
But now Iraq has a new problem: ISIS. The Islamic Fundamentalist group, also known as the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) and, most recently, the Islamic State, has captured a wide swath of territory covering both Iraq and Syria. In this commandeered territory, ISIS has begun implementing its 7th Century version of Sharia law, killing those who won’t convert to Islam.
“We’re mostly concerned about the Christians,” said a Department of Defense (DOD) spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “They’re the ones that are the most important. After all, who could tolerate being subjected to attack after attack after attack, all the while not being allowed to fight back when your own existence is at stake? No one could tolerate that.”
ISIS’ recent advances in the northern part of Iraq, primarily near the semi-autonomous Kurdish region, prompted Obama’s order of airstrikes. Nearby, tens of thousands of the minority Yazidi religious sect are trapped on a mountain and face death, either by starvation or refusal to convert to Islam.
“The United States cannot stand by while these folks are stranded on a mountaintop by folks who want to kill them,” said a White House spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “So this country will do what we can to help them. Never let it be said the United States of America allowed anyone – other than the tens of millions of average, ordinary, everyday Americans living at or below the poverty line – to face hunger and misery when there was something we could do to help.
“As I speak, we’ve got one set of our folks bombing the [explicative] out of ISIS, while we’ve got another set of our folks dropping food on the mountain for the Yazidis. Hopefully the two sets of folks won’t get their missions mixed up. Just kidding, folks!”
Obama’s political enemies wasted no time blasting him for the latest action in Iraq.
“The folks on the mountain in Iraq are facing extraordinary hardship,” said a spokesman for House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH), speaking on condition of anonymity. “Hunger. Thirst. Need of medical care.
“What the president won’t tell you is that these folks signed up for Obamacare for their medical needs. And now look at them. Trapped on a mountain. Hungry. Thirsty. And no medical care. That’s why we still support repealing and replacing this bad law as soon as possible. Otherwise, the mountain is coming to America.”