Plessy v. Ferguson

Michael Brown

Michael Brown

(Ferguson, MO) – The images seen on televisions around the world for the past 12 days have been nothing short of incredible.

Public executions. Angry mobs. Molotov cocktails. Armored vehicles. Tear gas. Pepper spray. Rubber bullets. Random shootings. Biological warfare.

From which far away land are these scenes broadcast? Syria? Somalia? Iraq? Gaza? A GOP convention discussing Obamacare?

No. It’s Ferguson, MO. Right here in the United States of America.

And not America 1964. America 2014.

Barack Obama (D-IL/Kenya)

Barack Obama
(D-IL/Kenya)

The trouble in Ferguson began on August 9, when white police officer Darren Wilson shot and killed unarmed African-American Michael Brown.

The aftermath? Twelve days of rioting, looting, arrests, investigations, additional shootings, and autopsies.

Attorney General Eric Holder came to Ferguson to assure local residents that the Department of Justice (DOJ) would conduct a full, thorough, fair, and impartial investigation into the matter.

He also came to bring a message from President Obama (D-IL/Kenya).

“President Obama is asking for calm and unity at this very stressful time,” said a Holder spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He’s also asking [musician] Tom Petty to go into the studio and record a follow-up to his ‘Peace in LA’ single. That should definitely make a difference.”

In 1992, during the riots sparked by the Rodney King verdict in Los Angeles, Petty recorded what has to be one of the worst and most forgettable songs ever made. Why Obama is asking for a follow-up single is beyond the comprehension of many.

“It’s like asking for a Gigli sequel,” said an entertainment industry spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Department of Justice

Department of Justice

The Federal Bureau of Investigations (FBI) is conducting its own full, thorough, fair, and impartial investigation into the matter.

A civil rights battle wouldn’t be a civil rights battle without the appearance of Al Sharpton.

“We still can’t figure out what Sharpton is doing here,” said a local resident, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We all know that the terms ‘civil rights’ and ‘Al Sharpton’ don’t mix – not after what he did to Tawana [Brawley].”

In 1987, Sharpton supported Brawley when a gang of white men allegedly attacked her. In addition to the physical assault, she was left with racial slurs written on her body in dog excrement. A grand jury subsequently concluded that Brawley and Sharpton were lying.

Reverend Al Sharpton

Reverend Al Sharpton

“If he’s not the one who covered Brawley in dog feces, he surely knows who did it,” said a Rutgers University law professor, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Yet he’s never come forth to explain it, and he’s never really had to pay for his lies. It’s very sad.”

Nevertheless, Sharpton is conducting its own full, thorough, fair, and impartial investigation into the matter.

But last night’s protests seemed to be reflecting Sharpton’s past. Several police were attacked by protesters assaulting them with urine.

“It sounds like a half-hearted attempt to steal from the Tawana Brawley playbook,” said a law enforcement official, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Talk about your Weapons of Mass Disgustion!”

The escalating tactics on the part of protesters hasn’t escaped senior law enforcement officials from around the country.

“You’ve got people using Molotov cocktails,” said a senior law enforcement official, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Now you’ve got people engaging in biological warfare. There’s no way these people learned this on their own. We believe they’re getting help from one or more terrorist organizations.”

Michael "Brownie" Brown (R-OK)

Michael “Brownie” Brown
(R-OK)

Federal officials are looking into possible training by the shadowy Al-Qaeda in Cognito (AQIC) terrorist organization.

As for Michael Brown’s family, they have apparently decided to take a new surname.

“It’s largely because of the confusion over Michael and [former Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) director Michael “Brownie” Brown,” said a family spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Plus, the name has become notorious because of this case. The family wants justice, but it doesn’t want to be in the spotlight forever.”

What name have they chosen? “Plessy,” replied the family spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Which means that, when the family inevitably sues the city for the wrongful death of their relative, the case will be called Plessy v. Ferguson.

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