Rice Steamed by Latest Turn of Events

Ray Rice and Janay Palmer

Ray Rice and Janay Palmer

(Baltimore, MD) – Baltimore Raven Ray Rice thought he was in pretty good shape. The former Rutgers athlete was just about to complete his two-game, $529,411 suspension handed down by the National Football League (NFL).

After beating the living crap out of fiancé Janay Palmer – leading to his two-game, $529,411 suspension – in an elevator at Atlantic City’s Revel Casino, not only did she marry him, but she apologized for her role in the incident.

And important people, such as Ravens Head Coach John Harbaugh, lauded Rice’s character, issuing supportive comments about Rice, referring to the whole episode as “not a big deal” and calling Rice “a heck of a guy.”

That is, until today.

After new video of the February 15 attack was released, the Ravens did something no one though they would ever do: terminate Rice’s contract.

Chris Brown

Chris Brown

“This team seems to have a very high threshold for improper behavior.” said an NFL observer, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I mean, they had no problem keeping Rice when investigators found shards from Palmer’s teeth embedded in the elevator’s buttons, along with her blood on cracked elevator windows and indentations on her face from poker chips.

“I guess enough was finally enough. Even for Baltimore.”

Shortly after Rice found himself unemployed by the Ravens, the NFL suspended him indefinitely.

“I expect he’ll have to sit out two, maybe three months,” said an NFL observer, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I mean, they sent [Michael] Vick to jail for torturing and murdering dogs, and he’s back. With the NFL, anything is possible.”

As for Rice, upon hearing the news of the NFL suspension, he reportedly went home and beat the living crap out of Palmer, followed by going out for drinks with his fellow domestic violence practitioner, Chris Brown.

Department of Homeland Security

Department of Homeland Security

While the NFL was apparently sending a message about domestic violence to its rank-and-file members, others were taking lessons from the Rice suspension, too.

On Fox and Friends earlier today, the hosts commented that the main lesson to be drawn from the episode is that women “should take the stairs.”

Ironically, the latest turn to this saga is taking place in September, the month deemed “National Preparedness Month” by the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA).

“It’s similar to New Jersey’s effort to make September “Wash Your Hands Month” a few years back,” said a FEMA spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. Of course, that celebration never really took off because state officials washed their hands of the whole thing.”

FEMA seems to have more support, designating September 30 as National PrepareAthon Day.

“We’ve listed a number of potential disasters for which average, ordinary, everyday Americans should be prepared,” said a FEMA spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Aren’t we lucky that we had a Ray Rice attack on the list?”

  • ALS
  • Avian flu
  • being attacked by Ray Rice
  • blackouts
  • blizzards
  • buying a ticket to fly on a Malaysian Airlines jet
  • decapitation by terrorists
  • earthquakes
  • Ebola
  • floods
  • hurricanes
  • killer rabbits
  • landslides
  • rabid wombats
  • riots
  • sinkholes
  • tornadoes
  • volcanoes
  • wildfires
  • wormholes

Others believe the National Preparedness Month and National PrepareAthon Day are ridiculous wastes of time and effort.

“So, are they saying that you should only be prepared for one month out of 12?” asked a FEMA critic, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Earthquake

Earthquake

Flood

Flood

Hurricane

Hurricane

Tornado

Tornado

Wildfire

Wildfire

Blizzard

Blizzard

Ray Rice

Ray Rice

Advertisements