Operation Shazam! Expanded Against ISIS as Threat Grows

Barack Obama (D-IL/Kenya)

Barack Obama

(Washington, DC) – On September 10, President Barack Obama (D-IL/Kenya) presented his case to average, ordinary, everyday Americans for attacking the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) (aka “Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (ISIL)” and “Islamic State (IS)” and “Al-Qaeda in Iraq”).

The country – and the world – has used the week to assess just what we’re doing (again) sending assistance and troops (again) into Iraq (again).

For many of Obama’s critics, the timing of the address couldn’t have been worse.

“This is a slap in the face of the entire country,” said a Tea Partyist spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Giving that address on the eve of 9/11 was an insult to those who died 13 years ago, and to those who have since given their lives in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Lindsey Graham (R-SC)

Lindsey Graham

“The president was essentially saying that average, ordinary, everyday Americans are no safer today than they were on September 10, 2001 – and maybe even less-safe. If he had only continued our practices of illegal renditions and torture, we’d be in much better shape as a people and a nation.

“I mean, it’s not like September 11 isn’t a solemn day, or a day of remembrance. Sales and other deals, on the other hand, are perfectly OK. That’s the American way!”

Even more extraordinary was what the speech lacked: inappropriate, insulting commentary during the speech. Missing-In-Action Obama critics included Representative Michael Grimm (R-NY) – who once threatened to throw reporter Michael Scotto over a Capitol balcony – and Joe Wilson (R-SC) – who once yelled “you lie!” at Obama during a State of the Union address.

And Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC), never one to miss an opportunity to make shrill, hypochondriacal statements in front of the cameras, warned that troops should be sent “before we all get killed here at home.”

Representative Michael Grimm (R-NY)

Michael Grimm

“So ISIS is going to kill us all at home, but the hundreds of thousands of illegal guns – which Ms. Graham and the NRA champion – aren’t going to hurt anyone?” asked a Graham critic, speaking on condition of anonymity.

President Obama felt he had to take action because of ISIS’ beheading of two Americans – Jim Foley and Steven Sotloff. And in expanding Operation Shazam!, Obama has said American retribution won’t be limited just to Iraq.

ISIS is also entrenched in Syria.

“I have made it clear that we will hunt down terrorists who threaten our country, wherever they are … if you threaten America, you will find no safe haven.”

Joe "You Lie!" Wilson (R-SC)

Joe “You Lie!” Wilson

“Sounds a little like President [George W.] Bush talking about smoking the terrorists out of their holes,” said a Democratic strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Unfortunately, he forget about the smoking and turned to invading a country [Iraq] on false pretenses.”

Obama also promised to “degrade” and “destroy” the ISIS threat.

“While he didn’t mention it in his speech, President Obama also intends to damage, damn, debase, deface, defame, dehumanize, and demean ISIS,” said a White House spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. Additionally, he has plans to demoralize, denounce, depreciate, deteriorate, dilute, diminish, and discount ISIS. And, if that doesn’t do the trick, he’ll move on to discredit, disgrace, dishonor, dismiss, disparage, downgrade, and downsize ISIS. That should do the trick and take care of these folks!”

To that end, Secretary of State John Kerry (D-MA) is working on assembling an international coalition to wipe out ISIS.

Operation Shazam!

Operation Shazam!

“This is not the same thing as the ‘Coalition of the Willing’ from 2003,” said a State Department spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

The Coalition of the Willing included nations participating in Bush’s Iraq invasion: Akrotiri, Dhekelia, Greenland, Narnia, Nauru, Niue, Pitcairn Islands, Svalbard, Swaziland, and Tuvalu.

“Secretary Kerry has been completely clear about clearly setting forth what our clear objectives are,” said a State Department spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He has clearly explained to coalition members what is clearly expected of them, and while they clearly haven’t listened, they’re still clearly interested in participating.

“The ‘Coalition of the Clear’ is born!”

ISIS: "We're going to Disneyland!"

ISIS: “We’re going
to Disneyland!”

Most coalition members – especially those in the Middle East – have committed supplies and weapons, but have ruled out putting their own armed forces in harm’s way.

“It’s our land, and it’s our oil, but you’re the one who uses our oil,” said a spokesman for the Arab League, speaking on condition of anonymity. “So defend it yourselves.”