Chinese Officials Say “Phooey” to Hong Kong

Hong Kong Umbrella Revolution

Hong Kong
Umbrella Revolution

(Beijing, China) – The weeklong pro-democracy protests in Hong Kong show no signs of abating. Authorities in Beijing show no signs of meeting the protestors’ demands. Protesters in Hong Kong show no signs of giving up, as the authorities in Beijing have demanded.

By changing a few of these words to “Obama” and “Congress” and “Democrats” and “Republicans,” one could easily describe the gridlock currently gripping Washington.

The world has watched, as the protesters have demanded more freedom from Beijing. Beijing finds this odd because the word “freedom” doesn’t appear in any Communist Party manuals.

Beijing, in turn, recently threatened the protesters with “unimaginable consequences” if they keep up their anti-government activities. But American officials don’t seem to be too concerned.

Tiananmen Square: June 4, 1989

Tiananmen Square
June 4, 1989

“President Obama has threatened “consequences” all year, and it’s gotten us nowhere,” said a spokesman for the House of Representatives, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He warned of consequences in Uganda. He warned of consequences for Russia because of Ukraine. He warned of consequences for Justin Bieber. And he warned of consequences in Iraq. Nothing happened. I’m sure the Chinese government means well.”

Hong Kong’s pro-democracy movement brings back memories of June 4, 1989, when the Chinese government sent in its military, including tanks and armored vehicles, to confront unarmed protesters at Tiananmen Square. To this day, no one knows how many civilians died, but estimates range from the hundreds to the thousands.

The bloody events were immediately followed up by a propaganda campaign to deny anything had happened. The campaign continues today. To reinforce the denial, Chinese authorities have temporarily borrowed Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, the once and current Iraqi Information Minister.

China Did Nothing Wrong!

China Did
Nothing Wrong!

“No, there was no massacre at Tiananmen Square, never!” proclaimed al-Sahaf, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I triple guarantee you, there was no massacre! I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that the great, glorious, freedom-loving Communist government would never allow a massacre at Tiananmen Square!

“Those who say there was a massacre at Tiananmen Square have no morals! They have no shame about spreading these lies and falsehoods! And those who spread lies and tell falsehoods will have their stomachs roasted in Hell!”

In the United States, Hong Kong supporters have quietly been organizing for their own protests.

“If the Chinese government moves in on Hong Kong like it moved in on Tiananmen Square, we’re ready,” said a protest movement organizer, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We’ll unleash Operation Chow Foon to show our displeasure.

“This was discussed on the 25th anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre, but now we’re more organized. We’ve decided to go with “softer” Chinese dishes so as not to cause so much bodily harm to others.”

Under Operation Chow Foon, Chinese food will be lobbed at the Chinese embassy. Gone are the Spare Ribs, Chicken Wings, Pepper Steak, and General Tso’s Chicken. Egg Foo Young and Moo Goo Gai Pan remain on the list and are joined by Orange Beef, Tangerine Chicken, Sesame Chicken, Roast Pork Fried Rice, Wonton Soup, and, of course, Beef Chow Foon.

Department of State

Department of State

The State Department was quick to distance itself from the possible civil unrest.

“We clearly and forcefully denounce in no uncertain terms, as clearly and forcefully as possible, that we’re against any kind of non-peaceful protests,” said a State Department official, speaking on condition of anonymity. “With that said, many of us do think that the prospect of throwing Chinese food at the Chinese embassy is just hilarious!”

China’s comments were typical for the Communist regime. “We must continue to examine the evidence, remain calm, not do anything provocative or hasty, and continue to threaten Taiwan and enslave Tibet,” said a Chinese government spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.