The Politics of Ebola

Ebola

Ebola

(Washington, DC) – When FLATLINEgov first reported on the African Ebola outbreak on August 6, there had been 1,700 cases reported, 900 of whom died. America’s public health officials assured average, ordinary, everyday Americans that they had nothing to fear from Ebola.

Two months later, average, ordinary, everyday Americans can see just how wrong the health officials were.

Sarah Palin (R-AK)

Sarah Palin
(R-AK)

A disease with no available vaccine and a fatality rate of up to 90%, Ebola can only be transmitted through direct contact with the bodily fluids – blood, semen, saliva, urine, feces, or sweat – of someone who is sick.

Symptoms include fever, weakness, muscle pain, vomiting, diarrhea, and a very high tolerance for listening to Sarah Palin. The incubation period – from the time of infection to the time of seeing the first symptoms – is 21 days.

The pandemic, which began in March, Ebola is no longer limited to countries Guinea, Liberia, Nigeria, Saudi Arabia, Sierra Leone, and Spain. America now has its own home-grown cases right here!

“It’s a terrible letdown,” said a Centers for Disease Control (CDC) employee, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I mean, this is the country whose president [George W. Bush] encouraged average, ordinary, everyday Americans to buy plastic sheeting and duct tape to protect themselves from pathogens. Thirteen years later, we’ve learned nothing.

CDC

CDC

Thomas Frieden

Thomas Frieden

“They formed the Department of Homeland Security [DHS]. They poured billions and billions of dollars into readiness. What have we got to show for it? Nothing. Members of Congress and the Executive Branch took the money and gave it to their cronies. Average, ordinary, everyday Americans helped to make their cronies well-off while we’re all going to suffer for their arrogance.”

Officially, CDC Director Thomas Frieden apologized for the 100th time for any mistakes made up to this point regarding allowing Ebola-infected patients into the country without taking the necessary precautions.

Barack Obama (D-IL/Kenya)

Barack Obama
(D-IL/Kenya)

“President Obama has complete confidence in Mr. Frieden,” said a White House spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He has complete confidence in his role at the CDC. And he believes he’s performing well during an incredibly stressful time for everyone. In fact, President Obama called Mr. Frieden earlier today and told him, ‘Friedie, you’re doin’ a heck of a job!'”

Nurses – and their biggest union, National Nurses United – are outraged at the lack of preparedness at their respective hospitals.

“Yes, we were given the protective suits about eight years ago,” said a nurse at an anonymous hospital, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But we were never shown how to properly use the suits. Heck, they’ve been in our break room. We’ve decorated them for Halloween and Christmas over the years. And they’re great for playing darts!”

Critics of the health care system pounced on this grave breach of protocol.

Smoking Nurse

Smoking Nurse

“We see why the nurses aren’t prepared,” said an anti-Obamacare Tea Partyist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “They’ve been playing around with this important equipment while patients have been dying. You have to wonder how dedicated they are to saving lives when some of them smoke three packs of cigarettes a day. That can’t be good for their patients.”

With Election Day 2014 just 19 days away, still others are trying to inject the Ebola crisis into national politics. One side blaming the other is providing difficult, as both Democrats and Republicans are guilty of underfunding research and padding their own pockets at the expense of public health and safety.

Earlier this week, Dr. Keith Ablow, a commentator for “Fairly Unbalanced” Fox News, charged that President Obama (D-IL/Kenya) actually wants average, ordinary, everyday Americans to contract Ebola because his “affinities, his affiliations are with them” – with “them” referring to the African nations (listed above) where Ebola cases could soon reach 10,000 per week.

“We simply can’t respond to that,” said a White House spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “How do you respond to that? There are unbalanced comments and rants made every day. This one, tinged with blatant racism, is in a category by itself, even for a member of the Tea Party.

Keith Ablow

Keith Ablow

“We’ve all heard conspiracy theories before, but this is a new low. It sounds to me like Ablow wants President Obama to contract Ebola. If the Secret Service weren’t in such disarray, I’d send them over to Ablow’s house immediately to conduct an investigation on making threats to the President of the United States.”

The comments come at the same time that Republican Debbie Dunnegan, Recorder of Deeds for Jefferson County, MO, suggested that a coup d’état would not only be a good thing to plan against Obama, but that it was “Constitutional” to do so.

The United States Constitution affirms that members of the military are to protect and defend the country against “all enemies, foreign and domestic” – and apparently Obama fits into this category.

“I cannot and do not understand why no action is being taken against our domestic enemy. I know he is supposedly the Commander-In-Chief, but the Constitution gives you the authority. What am I missing?”

Dunnegan’s Facebook post was later deleted, but the damage was done.

Debbie Dunnegan

Debbie Dunnegan

“Like Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson, Ms. Dunnegan regrets her actions,” said a Dunnegan lawyer, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Plus, it’s unfortunate that her comments were taken completely out of context. She doesn’t really want to see the President of the United States overthrown by the military. She just likes to say that.”

Dunnegan’s friends seem to agree.

“When we heard about the latest hoopla, we just shrugged our shoulders,” said a Dunnegan friend, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Our reaction was, like, ‘What’s Debbie Dunnegan gone and done again?’ This is pretty normal for her.”

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