(Washington, DC) – As Ebola hysteria grips the United States, the scope and facts about the disease become less clear by the hour. Over the past few weeks, hospitals and medical institutes have consistently lied to the American public. Additionally, politicians – hot in the throes of Election 2014 – are playing the “blame game” over the deadly disease.
It’s no wonder average, ordinary, everyday Americans don’t know which end is up.
“When the people choose representatives who misrepresent the facts, it’s no wonder why faith in a Democratic form of government – in this country – is just about gone,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Applying the falsehoods and indirect answers to a disease that kills up to 90% of its victims doesn’t help matters.”
In addition to the high mortality rate, Ebola has no available vaccine. However, the disease can only be transmitted through direct contact with the bodily fluids – blood, semen, saliva, urine, feces, or sweat – of someone who is sick.
Symptoms include fever, weakness, muscle pain, vomiting, diarrhea, and a very high tolerance for listening to Sarah Palin. The incubation period – from the time of infection to the time of seeing the first symptoms – is 21 days.
As if the Ebola panic wasn’t bad enough, military intelligence suggests that everyone’s favorite Islamic Fundamentalist terror group, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) (aka “Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (ISIL)” and “Islamic State (IS)” and “Al-Qaeda in Iraq”), is now considering biological warfare against the West – specifically, the United States.
ISIS is a Sunni Islamic Fundamentalist group responsible for capturing wide swaths of territory in both Iraq and Syria. In this commandeered territory, ISIS has begun implementing its 7th Century version of Sharia law, killing those who try to retaliate and decapitating victims hailing from Western nations.
“We see how afraid the Americans are of Ebola,” said an ISIS spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “So we are launching a new form of terror against the American aggressors. Operation Stinking Corpse will commence immediately.”
Operation Stinking Corpse is apparently named “in honor” of Senator John McCain (R-AZ), who spent much of his 2008 presidential campaign using the “stinking corpse” phrase.
But what does Operation Stinking Corpse entail? One only has to look at ISIS’ Facebook account. Given the group’s 7th Century medieval state of mind, no one should be surprised.
Based upon a scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, ISIS has apparently constructed a large catapult. In the movie, French soldiers engage King Arthur and his knights by using a catapult to chercher la vache – “fetch the cow” – which was flung via catapult towards King Arthur’s company.
ISIS’ plans are more devious and deviant.
Instead of a cow, ISIS plans to chercher le cadavre Ebola – “fetch the Ebola corpse” – and fling it at the United States via catapult.
“It’s a terror weapon, nothing more,” said a Department of Defense (DOD) spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It’s absurd to think that anyone – let alone a group of medieval thugs – could construct such an antiquated weapon that would have a range of 6,200 miles.”
ISIS has made such outrageous claims in the past.
During last summer’s war between Israel and Hamas, the terrorist group – a big fan of ISIS – showed that its inaccurate missiles could travel record-setting distances. Indeed, Hamas targeted Tel Aviv and Jerusalem, or targets 48 miles away. Talking of “surprises” in its arsenal, it bragged that it had brought down Malaysian Airlines MH17 on July 17. If true, its missiles would have needed to travel 1,200 miles.
Hamas’ claims have never been substantiated, but if true, it could signal a new series of weaponry in the ISIS-Hamas arsenal.
“We really don’t think ISIS is a legitimate threat with this “Operation Stinking Corpse” they’re talking about,” said a State Department spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Now, if they can locate some killer rabbits or Knights Who Say ‘Ni!’ amongst average, ordinary, everyday Americans, there could be trouble.”