(Washington, DC) – Ted Kaczynski, move over. You’ve got company.
The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) (also known as “Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (ISIL)” and “Islamic State (IS)” and “Al-Qaeda in Iraq”) has taken a page from the Unabomber’s playbook and is now threatening “postal jihad” against the United States.
Between 1978 and 1995, Kaczynski waged an anarchistic terror campaign by sending explosive devices through the United States Postal Service (USPS). During that time, three people were killed and 23 wounded.
ISIS appears ready to pick up where the Unabomber left off, though it says it won’t be sending explosives by mail courier.
It has instead threatened to wage biological warfare by mailing Ebola to its victims.
“Operation Kaczynski Christmas will bring a reign of terror and illness to the Americans!” exclaimed a biohazard suit-wearing ISIS spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Be sure to check your mailboxes for death!”
This is apparently a follow-on to ISIS’ Operation Stinking Corpse, which threatened to deliver Ebola-ridden corpses 6,200 miles – via catapult – to the American homeland.
American medical experts are dismissing the threat as nothing more than more delusions of grandeur for the terror organization.
“What they’re proposing is totally insane,” said a spokesman for Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) Director Thomas Frieden, speaking on condition of anonymity. “The Ebola virus can’t live outside the body for any significant length of time. At least, we don’t think it can. But if we say so, it’s true. After all, we’ve given such a robust response to the Ebola panic in this country!”
To augment Operation Kaczynski Christmas, ISIS will be using the stamps.com Web site to produce their own stamps. They have also contacted the USPS about possible marketing and revenue-sharing initiatives.
“We feel that we can sell hundreds of thousands of these postage stamps,” said an ISIS spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We’ll be able to replenish our coffers while mailing terror on a global scale.”
In addition to giddy philatelists, the USPS is cautiously embracing ISIS’ plans.
“While we don’t condone terrorism of any kind, we can’t afford to completely ignore their proposal,” said a USPS spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It’s no secret that the Postal Service has been in the red for years. Maybe these ISIS-produced stamps will finally get us financially solvent.”
But White House officials don’t seem to be too worried about ISIS’ latest claims.
“Even if they could – somehow – make Ebola survive in an envelope, we doubt anyone would actually receive the deadly mail,” said a White House spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “The Postal Service just isn’t that reliable.”