CNN Calls Election Day Results – One Day Early

fec(Atlanta, GA) – CNN has called the results for Election Day 2014. And they’ve done it one day before the majority of voters go to the polls.

Traditionally, news outlets don’t release their predictions until the polls close on election night. But in an age of 24-hour news cycles, some “reputable” news organizations want to get ahead of the competition.

But no one has ever called an election’s results more than 24 hours before the first wave of closing polls.

“We feel that we’re offering a service to average, ordinary, everyday Americans,” said a CNN spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “After all, the American electorate needs to be kept informed. And, quite frankly, our broadcasts will be much more positive and truthful than the $1 billion of negative ads everyone has seen.”

Today’s version of Patronizing Verbal Diarrhea with Wolf Blitzer will be dedicated to Election 2014. Blitzer plans on interviewing a vetted panel of experts to explore every personal, intimate detail of the winners and losers.

Wolf Blitzer

Wolf Blitzer

“The American people expect no less,” said a Blitzer spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “After all, we covered the disappearance of Malaysia Airlines MH370 for months. And there was absolutely nothing to cover. It’s what we do!”

But CNN may have legal troubles that will short-circuit their planned broadcasts. The Federal Election Commission (FEC) is looking into the possibility of illegal activity.

“We believe CNN may be doing something illegal,” said a spokesman for the FEC, speaking on condition of anonymity. “By influencing an election the day before the election, the results could be skewed.

“By no means do I mean to imply that average, ordinary, everyday Americans, whose opinions are formed by Fox News, MSNBC, CNN, and QVC, aren’t capable of making their own decisions and choices by free will. Even if it is true.”

CNN has released some initial Blitzer picks; the rest will be revealed during the next 24-plus-hour broadcast day:

Winning Candidate Losing Candidate
Aaron Burr (D-R-NY) defeats Thomas Jefferson (D-R-VA)
Samuel Tilden (D-NY) defeats Rutherford B. Hayes (R-OH)
Alton Parker (D-NY) defeats Theodore Roosevelt (R-NY)
Wendell Willkie (R-NY) defeats Franklin D. Roosevelt (D-NY)
Thomas E. Dewey (R-NY) defeats Harry S. Truman (D-MO)
Richard Nixon (R-CA) defeats John F. Kennedy (D-MA)
Walter Mondale (D-MN) defeats Ronald Reagan (R-CA)
Al Gore (D-TN) defeats George W. Bush (R-TX)