Still Witchy After All These Years

Charles Manson at 80: November 12, 2014

Charles Manson at 80
November 12, 2014

(Corcoran, CA) – 2014 has been a busy year for America’s favorite mass-murderer. And, as he turns 80, he shows no signs of slowing down.

Charles Manson attended a quiet celebration in honor of his birthday yesterday, inviting only a few close friends, acquaintances, fellow prisoners, and former members of the Manson Family.

“It was a great party,” said a Manson Family spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It was great to see everyone again, dig? At least he was able to have some gruel and cake. It’s unfortunate the guards ripped the cake apart looking for files, dig?

“It’s also unfortunate that Charlie couldn’t play his guitar on his own birthday, dig? But at least he got some nice presents. Guitar strings, dance lessons, lemon juice, that sort of thing. I gave him a shiv carved out of a bar of soap. I made it following Martha Stewart’s instructions, dig?”

Manson continues to serve his time in jail for orchestrating a series of murders in 1969. On August 9, members of the Manson Family broke into 10050 Cielo Drive. They proceeded to butcher its tenant, Sharon Tate, and four of her associates. On August 10, the Family broke into 3301 Waverly Drive and butchered its owners, Leno and Rosemary LaBianca.

Charles Manson

Charles Manson

Manson and his followers were sentenced to death, but their sentences were commuted in 1972 when the Supreme Court abolished the death penalty.

In spite of his age, and in spite his next parole hearing taking place in 2027 – when he’ll be 92 – Manson used the 45th anniversary last August to announce his candidacy for President of the United States in 2016.

Not everyone is amused by the octogenarian once again being in the spotlight.

“He’s a convicted murderer,” said a Department of Justice spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Why would anyone care what he does? Why would anyone want to mark his birthday? Why would anyone want to mark the anniversary of the murders? Now, when he dances around like a chicken, that’s entertaining. But not much else.”

Naturally, any position taken by the Obama administration is refuted by his political enemies.

Department of Justice

Department of Justice

“We see no reason why we shouldn’t mark the occasion,” said a critic of President Obama (D-IL/Kenya), speaking on condition of anonymity. “Once again, President Obama wants to overreach into the lives of average, ordinary, everyday Americans. If someone wants to throw Charles Manson a birthday party, that’s their right as an American to do so.

“Job growth in this country has been anemic. Throwing Manson a birthday party means jobs for pastry chefs, prison employees, and entertainers, not to mention those in prison who might make commemorative Charles Manson license plates.

“By not throwing a birthday party for a murderer, Obama is once again robbing job opportunities from average, ordinary, everyday, hardworking Americans. And that’s just wrong.”

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