State Department Understates Seriousness of E-mail Hack Attack

Department of State

Department of State

(Washington, DC) – The State Department (DOS) continued today to work in crisis mode due to a suspected cyber attack on its unclassified E-mail system.

And, in following the tried and true policies and procedures of a Federal government bureaucracy, it’s uncertain as to when their E-mail system might be up and running again.

Many believe the suspected cyber attack occurred on November 16. But the security breach actually happened in late October.

“Yes, we always like to take things slow, to not overreact,” said a DOS spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It’s just like firing employees. You tend to do that on Fridays to avoid problems, confrontations, and workplace shootings.”

Todd Akin (R-MO)

Todd Akin
(R-MO)

Computer Keyboard

Photo Courtesy of
Sick Bird Photography

But once DOS’ Computer Security Office (CSO) learned this weekend that there might have been damage to the E-mail system from the October attack, the agency had no choice but to take immediate action.

“Like Todd Akin (R-MO) addressing rape, we had to just shut that whole thing down,” said a CSO spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. 1 “It was simply too perilous to leave it up and at the mercy of evildoers.”

“The media wants to concentrate on possible stolen records, lost data, or threats to national security,” said a DOS spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But they should also consider the inconvenience the shutdown means to our hard-working, non-essential Federal government employees.

“We care about them, and we’re going to take care of them. I mean, right after the E-mail system went down, we sent out an E-mail to all employees’ work accounts that … uh … the system … uh … was down and … uh … let me get back to you on that.”


1. Achin’ to Take Back Those Words: Missouri Representative Akin “Misspoke” about Rape in America. FLATLINE 2012 Jul-Aug;14(7-8):e9.

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