Here Comes the Bride – and Something Witchy

Charles Manson at 80: November 12, 2014

Charles Manson at 80
November 12, 2014

(Corcoran, CA) – This has been a busy year for Charles Manson.

In August, he celebrated the 45th anniversary of the Tate-LaBianca murders. In 1969, Manson sent his “Manson Family” out to murder and terrorize Los Angeles. Over two days, the group killed Sharon Tate, four of Tate’s associates, Leno LaBianca, and Rosemary LaBianca.

Manson and his followers were sentenced to death in 1971, but their sentences were commuted to life in 1972 when the Supreme Court temporarily abolished the death penalty.

Manson has endured numerous parole hearings since 1972. His next scheduled hearing is in 2027. He will be 92.

August also saw Manson become the first person to declare their candidacy for President of the United States in 2016.

“It makes perfect sense for Manson to run in 2016,” said a political scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity at the time. “He’s got name recognition. He takes a no-nonsense approach to important issues of the day. And given today’s anniversary, maybe it’s time for Manson to play a more productive role in society.”

On November 12, Manson hit another milestone by celebrating his 80th birthday. Had the death penalty been applied, it’s likely he would never have seen 40.

The Happy Couple! Charles Manson and Afton Elaine Burton

The Happy Couple!
Charles Manson and
Afton Elaine Burton

The Happy Couple! Charles Manson and Afton Elaine Burton

The Happy Couple!
Charles Manson and
Afton Elaine Burton

Now, Manson is preparing for another role in his warped, twisted, incarcerated life: husband. His fiancé, Afton Elaine “Star” Burton, announced yesterday that a marriage license had been granted to the couple by the State of California. The happy psychopathic couple is planning a December wedding.

Burton, 26, moved from Illinois to California seven years ago to be geographically closer to Manson.

This will be Manson’s second marriage. His first marriage, to Rosalie Jean Willis in 1955, ended in divorce in 1958.

The officiant will be Spider, a prison chaplain and fellow inmate. The ceremony will likely take place in one of Corcoran’s inmate visiting rooms. No more than 10 non-Corcoran guests are allowed. FLATLINEgov has obtained a copy of the list, which is comprised of past Manson associates and relatives of those who are since deceased:

Charles Manson

Charles Manson

  • Vincent Bugliosi
  • Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme
  • Sandra Good
  • Patricia Krenwinkel
  • Paul McCartney
  • Ringo Starr
  • Debra Tate
  • Leslie Van Houten
  • Charles “Tex” Watson
  • Brian Wilson

FLATLINEgov has also obtained a copy of Manson’s wedding vows:

If I had a desire, it would be to be free from desire. I am not of your world. I’ve spent all my life in prison. I was raised in a prison. I don’t know any other way! Prison’s my mother! And prison is in the mind.

I’m nobody. I’m a tramp, a bum, a hobo. I live a hundred years a day. I’m probably one of the most dangerous men in the world if I want to be. But I never wanted to be anything but me.

I don’t break laws, I make laws. I’ve got the Eye of the Tiger and I don’t know who to kill first! One of the reasons I don’t want out is because I am very mad and I don’t know whether I can control myself. Believe me, if I started murdering people, there’d be none of you left.

You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody’s crazy. You can lock me up, but you can’t block me up. I’m so insane, I’m sane! No sense makes sense. There are no accidents, don’t give me that jive, Jack!

There’s nothing wrong with being incompetent, it just means you don’t have to do as much. You think if you don’t talk to me I’ll go away, but I can’t go away ’cause I’m not even here. If you don’t listen, you don’t hear. You can’t hear nothin’ when your head’s in a bag, Jack!

If you’re gonna do something, do it well, and leave something witchy. Leave a sign to let the world know that you were there. Have a good day.

Wolf kabob roth vantage? Gefrannis booj pooch boo jujube bear ramage? Jigiji geeji geeja geeble google? Begep flagaggle vaggle veditch-waggle bagga?

Charles Manson's Chicken Dance

Charles Manson’s
Chicken Dance

Additionally, FLATLINEgov has learned that the first dance will be the Chicken Dance – with a touch of the wild Manson gyrations everyone has come to know and love over the past 45 years.

The first song, Manson’s own Garbage Dump, will be performed by Manson himself and members of the Manson Family who were present during the song’s recording in the late 1960s. A sampling:

Garbage dump, oh, garbage dump,
Why are you called a garbage dump?
Garbage dump, oh, garbage dump …
That sums it up in one big lump!

Other songs to be performed by the Manson Family include Big Iron Door, Don’t Do Anything Illegal, Helter Skelter, Mechanical Man, and Sick City. The performance will be recorded for an HBO special. If Manson should manage to be paroled before he dies, a world tour isn’t out of the question.

Afton Elaine Burton

Afton Elaine Burton

Given Manson’s past, one has to wonder if this is all some sort of ruse meant for media attention. The marriage, if conducted, will never be consummated while Manson remains in jail; California does not allow conjugal visits for inmates with life sentences.

One also has to wonder what kind of person would marry someone 54 years their senior and who just last year declared, “I’m not a person, have never been a person.” Burton will find out as she faces the Swastika carved into Manson’s forehead and pledges her life to him. For her part, she will have an “X” carved in her own forehead.