Ferguson, MO – Officials in Ferguson appealed for calm. Officials in Ferguson appealed for non-violent protests. Officials in Ferguson appealed for peace. Officials in Ferguson appealed for understanding.
Instead, they got rioting.
The trouble in Ferguson began on August 9, when white police officer Darren Wilson shot and killed unarmed African-American Michael Brown. He was responding to Brown’s shoplifting of a box of cigars.
The murder sparked 12 days of rioting, looting, arrests, additional shootings, investigations, multiple autopsies, and multiple apologies from Ferguson Police Chief Thomas Jackson.
The long-awaited grand jury verdict in the Brown case was made known shortly after 9:00pm ET on November 24. By 9:30pm, Ferguson looked like Beirut, Lebanon.
“We didn’t like the verdict,” said a violent demonstrator, speaking on condition of anonymity. “So now we’re going to do what makes sense: steal televisions and burn Ferguson to the ground. It’s fun!”
“This is all very sad,” said a Ferguson resident who agreed with the verdict, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Shoplifting isn’t a crime punishable by death, but it’s a crime. If you don’t commit a crime, you don’t have to face the police. But that’s what Brown did. In essence, he paid for the stolen cigars with his life. Even chain-smokers wouldn’t call that a good deal. It just makes no sense.”
Rumors of Ray Lewis [NFL analyst and murderer], Mike Tyson [former boxer and rapist], and Ray Rice [NFL running back and wife-beater] attending the protests to lend their support and their special “gifts” were soon proven to be unfounded.
Vandals even ransacked the city’s McDonald’s.
“They destroyed the McDonald’s,” said a Ferguson resident, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Where are we supposed to eat?!”
As demonstrators looted liquor stores and sprayed the neighborhood with automatic-weapons fire, the National Guard – more than 700 strong – stood back and watched the city burn, leading many to question why Missouri governor Jay Nixon (D-MO) bothered to call them up in the first place.
“Governor Nixon needed to be seen as doing real, actual work,” said a Nixon spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But he didn’t give the order to deploy because he didn’t want their shiny helmets to get scuffed.”
Local police could only look on from a distance as the carnage unfolded, restrained by their superiors on acting too aggressively against those who put others’ livelihoods and lives in danger.
Attacks on police cars were finally met with the use of tear gas. But it was too little, too late, as the burning hulks of automobiles littered the streets of Ferguson.
“It’s as if the demonstrators had previous training or instruction in the violence they perpetrated,” said a law enforcement official, speaking on condition of anonymity.
That may not be far from the truth.
FLATLINEgov has learned that some of the demonstrators were trained by the Palestinian terror group Hamas – specifically, the Exploding Donkey Martyrs’ Brigades.
“Yes, we had some assistance from the Palestinians,” admitted a protester, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We took a crash course in ‘Rock-Throwing 101’ from Palestine University. It certainly came in handy tonight!”
St. Louis County prosecutor Robert McCulloch received plenty of criticism over the way the grand jury was used to exonerate Wilson without a public trial.
Al Sharpton, everyone’s favorite Civil Rights activist, claimed McCulloch “methodically tried to discredit the witnesses” and asked “what is the purpose of Mr. McCullough trying to undermine the credibility of the witnesses?”
Many were not impressed with Sharpton inserting himself further into an already controversial chapter of American history.
“This isn’t the first grand jury decision Sharpton has criticized,” said a legal analyst, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He was critical of the grand jury dealing with the Tawana Brawley case. They decided that he had lied and slandered – yet he declared victory.
“The guy assaulted a teenage girl. Where’s the outrage? Why don’t people burn down buildings over that?”