(Washington, DC — January 28, 2015) – As the Northeastern United States endured the wrath of Winter Storm Juno, many marveled at the intensely accurate and intricate forecast provided both by the National Weather Service (NWS) and local weathermen – and how they could be so far off the mark.
In fact, they’re all batting .1000 for Winter 2014-2015: they’ve been wrong 100% of the time.
The disruptions caused by Juno were themselves historic. New York City – “The City That Never Sleeps” – shut down its public schools, buses, and subway system. Thousands of flights up and down the East Coast were cancelled. And Mrs. Manischewitz was forced to miss her weekly Pilates class.
The dire predictions made earlier over the weekend failed to materialize, outside of Boston. New York City was to have a record-breaking snow – meaning 27″ or more. In the end, it failed to reach 12″.
“Weathermen getting the forecast wrong is one thing,” said a spokesman for Governor Andrew Cuomo (D-NY). “Unnecessarily scaring the hell out of 30 million Americans is another.”
CBS’ DC affiliate (WUSA-9) followed the lead of its crack weatherman, Tenacious Topper Shutt, and once again found itself led astray when DC failed to pick up even 3″ of snow; he had predicted 12″.
“We’re just very upset right now,” said a DC-area resident, speaking on condition of anonymity. “All that hysteria for nothing. I got into a fight at my supermarket and broke my arm while buying bread and milk and toilet paper. Now what the hell am I going to do with 20 gallons of milk and 360 rolls of toilet paper?!”
“He’s been wrong, wrong, wrong,” said another DC-area resident, referring to Shutt and speaking on condition of anonymity. “It’s time for ‘Tenacious Topper Shutt’ to shut the hell up!”
Other countries looked upon the panic and hysteria caused by Juno with awe and confusion.
“Up here in the Great White North, this is just a dusting of snow, eh?” said a spokesman for Texas Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX/Canada), speaking on condition of anonymity. “We just don’t know what the fuss is aboot.”
But some could find a silver lining to this latest weather non-calamity.
“At least the [Washington Post’s] Capital Weather Gang [CWG] didn’t come up with some idiotic name for this storm,” said a DC-area resident, speaking on condition of anonymity.
The threat of winter weather did trigger PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) in some current and former NASA employees. Today happens to be the 29th anniversary of the destruction of space shuttle Challenger, which was launched over the objections of employees and experts in order to satisfy NASA management and the White House. The 36° weather caused the O-rings on the shuttle’s solid rocket boosters to harden, leading to escaping gasses which ignited and destroyed the space ship. Seven astronauts were killed.
“Yeah, we probably could have done better,” said a former NASA official, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But what can you do? Accidents happen.”